


All is Found

by WinnieTherPooh



Series: Ellie and Elsa-Dog AU [1]
Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Car Accidents, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Injury Recovery, Jake Peralta is a good dad, Major Character Injury, Physical Therapy, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-25
Updated: 2021-01-17
Packaged: 2021-03-01 03:29:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 25,258
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23318386
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WinnieTherPooh/pseuds/WinnieTherPooh
Summary: Jake and Eliana are on their way home from an adventure when a car accident alters their lives.
Relationships: Charles Boyle & Jake Peralta, Gina Linetti & Jake Peralta, Jake Peralta/Amy Santiago, Ray Holt & Jake Peralta, Rosa Diaz & Amy Santiago, Rosa Diaz & Jake Peralta, Terry Jeffords & Amy Santiago, Terry Jeffords & Jake Peralta
Series: Ellie and Elsa-Dog AU [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1676920
Comments: 133
Kudos: 308





	1. The Lights are Out

The Frozen 2 soundtrack was playing through the speakers, and Eliana was telling Jake a rambling story about the sisters who lived in the apple orchard, in a kingdom that sounded suspiciously like Arendelle. 

When they pulled up to the red light, Jake looked in the rearview mirror to where Eliana was in her carseat. She grinned. “I miss Elsa-dog.”

“It’s only been a couple hours, ladybug. We’ll be home soon.” 

“Why didn’t you call me Elsa?” Eliana demanded suddenly. “I want a cool name.”

“Eliana  _ is _ a cool name.” Jake argued. “And it’s very very close to Elsa, but even more special.”

“Okay.” Ellie shrugged, satisfied. 

“Can you make the light turn green for me?” Jake asked.

“One, two, three, GREEN LIGHT.” Eliana shouted with glee. The red signal was unmoved. “It didn’t listen.”

“Try Spanish.” Jake suggested, laughing. 

Eliana frowned skeptically. “Uno, dos, tres, VERDE.” The light switched to green, and Ellie laughed. “I did it!”

“Way to go, ladybug.” Jake pulled forward in the intersection. The next three seconds felt like a lifetime.

One. The truck on his left wasn’t stopping.

Two. He could see the driver’s face, tried to swerve out of the way.

Three. The champagne-colored SUV, with all its high safety ratings, was skidding across the intersection. 

* * *

“Ellie? Ladybug?” There was a buzzing sound in his ear. It hurt. Everything hurt. “Ellie? Ellie?” Jake tried to unbuckle his seatbelt, but his hands didn’t seem to want to work. He was stuck, trapped, he couldn’t move. His heart raced faster and faster. “Ellie! Ellie!”

Finally, he heard a faint voice from behind him, laced with sniffles. “Daddy?”

“Ellie, are you hurt?” Jake turned his head to the right, but couldn’t make out her face. Had the carseat protected her?”   
“Daddy, I’m scared.” Ellie was crying, he knew that sound in her breath. 

“I know, sweetie, but you’re going to be okay. Can you reach my hand?” Jake grit his teeth and leaned backwards, reaching his arm towards Eliana. To his relief, her tiny fingers wrapped around his. “Be brave for me, ladybug. Okay?”

“Okay.” 

“Do you remember how Anna was brave when she was in the cave?” Ellie must be nodding, from how her fingers were moving. “I need you to be brave like that for me, okay?” 

There was noise beyond the deployed airbag, and then Jake could hear a voice, although the words were indistinguishable through the buzzing. It was getting louder. 

“Help Ellie.” He squeezed Eliana’s hand. “Call them, ladybug.” He coughed, and tasted blood immediately. 

From behind him, Jake could hear Ellie begin to yell. “I’M HERE. I’M ELIANA.” 

The voices moved away from his window, and then somebody was opening the door on Eliana’s side of the car. “Sir?” Jake could see somebody out of the corner of his eye. “We’re getting help for you.” The man stepped away from the car and yelled something that Jake couldn’t understand.. 

“Hi honey. What’s your name?” The man was bending over Eliana’s car seat. 

“My name is Eliana Peralta. I am 4 years old.” Jake closed his eyes as Eliana recited her emergency information, thanking Amy silently for insisting that they teach her. “My mommy is Lieutenant Amy Santiago. My daddy is-- is my daddy okay?” Eliana’s lip was trembling, as she looked beyond the EMT’s shoulder to the car. 

“We’re going to take good care of your dad.” The EMT examined the bruise on Eliana’s head. “You don’t need to worry about that. Does your head hurt?”

“DAD!” Jake’s hand had slipped from Eliana’s, his arm aching from trying to reach all the way to her. He tried again, but now his arms were refusing to listen. He opened his eyes again.

“I’m okay, ladybug.” There were people on his side of the car now. 

“What is your dad’s name, Eliana?” The EMT was unbuckling her now. “Is that your backpack?”

Eliana took a deep breath and started over. “My name is Eliana Peralta. I am 4 years old. My mommy is Sergeant Amy Santiago. My daddy is detective Jake Peralta. They work at the Nine-Nine. My phone number is…” The sound of Eliana’s voice began to fade away, until Jake was left with nothing but silence as the light faded away.


	2. The Feel of Your Hand in Mine

_ FACT: There had been an accident, but Jake and Eliana were both alive. _

Amy’s hand was shaking over the surface of the pad of paper. 

“Amy. What did they tell you?” Rosa glanced over quickly. “What are the facts?”

_ FACT: It felt like somebody had reached into her chest and was squeezing her heart to a stop. _

“They were in a car accident outside of the city. Somebody t-boned the car, and hit Jake’s side.”   
“Okay, write that down. You said they’re both okay, right?”

Amy shook her head. “Eliana is okay, Jake is in-” the voice over the phone echoed in her head. Amy swallowed down a sob. “Jake is in critical condition. They couldn’t tell me more over the phone.”

“Hey, Santiago. Breathe.” Rosa reached over and squeezed her hand. “Okay. We’re here.” 

The nurse at the front desk looked relieved when Amy mentioned Eliana’s name. “I’m glad you’re here. She’s been asking for you a lot.”

“She’s okay, right?” Amy asked immediately. “They said she was okay.” 

The nurse consulted a chart. “I’m not familiar with her case, but she appears to have a fracture in her left arm, and she is showing some symptoms of a concussion.”

“Okay.” Amy nodded. “And Jake Peralta?” 

The nurse’s face turned grave. “I’m afraid you won’t be able to see him right away. I can take you to Eliana right away, and we’ll have somebody update you on Mr. Peralta’s condition as soon as we can. If you'll just come over here-"

“Mommy!” Eliana reached up from the bed towards Amy. 

“Ellie!” Amy sat on the bed next to her, easing her back onto the pillow. “How are you feeling, ladybug?”

“I was so scared, mommy.” Eliana’s eyes were beginning to fill with tears. “It was scary.”

“I know, honey, I know.” Amy stroked Eliana’s hair with her hand. “You’re going to be okay. Mommy’s here and nothing else bad is going to happen.”

“Okay.” Eliana climbed into her lap, and Amy noticed how she avoided her left arm. “I’m glad you’re here.”

“Me too, honey.” 

“Hello, hello!” A smiling man with a bear pinned on the front of his coat entered the room.  _ Dr. Mitchell _ . That was something to write down. “They told me that Eliana’s family had arrived. You’re her mother?” The doctor smiled and extended his hand. “And who else?” He turned to Rosa. 

“Diaz. I’m Ellie’s aunt.” 

“Fantastic.” The doctor pulled on gloves. “It looks like Princess Eliana-” Ellie grinned “Has a minor fracture in her left arm. We took an X-ray when she got here, and it doesn’t look serious. I can reduce it here, and we’ll give her a nice cast, and then she’ll be good to go.” 

Amy gave a sigh of relief. “That’s good to hear. And the nurse mentioned a concussion?”

“Given the circumstances of the car accident-” the doctor glanced at Ellie, and paused before continuing. “She’s displayed minor indications of a concussion, which wouldn’t surprise me based on the other passengers in the car. If her symptoms appeared more dangerous, we’d keep her overnight. We’ll give you some guidelines for monitoring her and for her care, and then we’ll take it from there.”

“Okay.” Amy pulled out her notebook. “How does your arm feel, honey?”

“It hurts.” Eliana shrugged. “Where’s daddy?”

“We’ll see him soon.” Amy reassured her, pushing away her own fear for her daughter.

“Princess Eliana is a very brave girl.” The doctor informed Amy as the nurse gave her forms to fill out. “Did you know that she only cried when we took the X-ray? Not another tear out of her.”

“Daddy told me to be brave.” Eliana said matter of factly. “He told me to be brave like Anna.”

Amy blinked back the tears welling into her eyes. 

_ FACT: Jake Peralta is the best dad. _

“Hi Charles, it’s Amy.” 

“Amy? What’s going on?”

“I’m so sorry to call you like this during your vacation, but I thought you should know.”

“Know what?” Charles’s voice was concerned immediately. “Is Jake okay? Are you okay? Is Eliana okay?”

“There was a car accident.” It got easier every time she told somebody, it seemed. “With Jake and Eliana. We’re at the hospital now.”

“Oh my god. Oh my god.” She could hear Charles deteriorate on the other end of the line. “Are they okay?”

“I haven’t seen Jake yet, I’m with Eliana now. Ellie, say hi to Uncle Charles.” 

“Hi Uncle Charles!” Ellie yelled into the phone from beside Amy. 

“Hi there Eliana.” Amy could recognize the tone he used with Nikolaj. “How are you feeling?”

“I’m tired. Did you see Elsa?” 

Charles laughed. “We’re going to meet Elsa tomorrow, don’t worry. Nikolaj said he’ll make sure to tell her about you and Elsa-dog.”

“Okay.” Ellie sank back onto the pillow, satisfied.

“Ellie, I’m going to talk to Uncle Charles. Aunt Rosa’s going to stay with you here, okay?” Amy stood up and walked into the hall. “Are you still there?”

“How bad is it?” Charles said almost simultaneously. “When you said you were with Eliana I assumed you weren’t telling me something.”

“We don’t know how bad yet.” Amy forced herself to rein in her own thoughts. “I’m trying not to imagine things, but they haven’t let me see him yet. They said he’s critical, and they’re still trying to stabilize him. There was something about an emergency surgery. I don't know, they aren't telling me things yet.”

“Should I come home? Nikolaj would be disappointed but we can end the trip early.”

“Don’t do that.” Amy sat down on a chair at the end of the hall. “I don’t know how serious it is, and you’ve been planning this trip for ages.”

“You let me know as soon as you know anything, okay?” There was noise on the other end, and Amy heard Charles say something to Nikolaj. 

“I’ll call you back as soon as I can,” Amy promised. 

_ FACT: Jake was alive, and stable, and waking up.  _

“Hey, Pineapples.” Amy ran her hand through Jake’s hair, pushing it off of his forehead. 

Jake’s eyes fluttered open. “Ames?” He struggled to say something else.

“It’s okay. You don’t have to talk right now.” 

“Why can’t-” Jake looked around the room, down to the end of the bed. “My leg.”

“You had to have surgery. There was a car accident. Do you remember that?”

Jake shook his head, and whispered, “Not really.” Then, his eyes widened, and grew panicked. “Ellie-”

“She’s with Rosa. She’s going to be fine.” Amy picked up Jake’s right hand and held it between hers. “We’re going to be okay. Just rest for now, okay?”

“Okay.” Jake drifted off again, before startling her with a whisper. “Ames?”

“Yes?”

“Don’t leave?”

_ FACT: She never planned on it. _

  
  



	3. Holding On Tight to You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi friends! I apologize in advance for the exposition (and lack of Eliana, don't worry, she'll be back). I so appreciate your kind comments and support, and I'll be updating as regularly as possible.  
> Stay safe and healthy!  
> -Win

_ FACT: They encourage you not to spend the night with patients in the ICU, to go home and to rest so that you’re best prepared to care for them the next day. _

_ FACT: Amy Santiago was ignoring the research, because leaving her husband by himself in the first few hours after a car accident, and major trauma, and surgery, was the stupidest suggestion the internet had ever made. _

“Ames?” Jake’s whisper jerked Amy out of her dozing sleep. 

“Yeah?” She sat up in the chair (majorly uncomfortable, they should have them replaced), and leaned over to his bed. “Are you okay?”

Jake shook his head slightly. “Where am I?”

“You’re in the hospital, Jake.” Amy took his hand again. He was warm, almost feverishly warm. 

“What happened?” The confusion was evident on his face. 

“You were in a car accident. Do you remember that?” She needed to write this down, needed to record that he had woken up three times now and asked these questions every single time.

“No.” Jake’s forehead furrowed in confusion, and then he squeezed Amy’s hand convulsively. “Ellie! She was with me.”

“She’s safe, Jake. Rosa took her home, and Terry and Sharon are going to take her tomorrow.” 

Jake relaxed again. “How long has it been?”

Amy checked her watch. “It’s 3am, and the accident happened around 1pm yesterday.” 

“Have I been out the whole time?”

“You were awake at the scene, and you’ve woken up a few times since surgery.”

“I had surgery?” Jake looked around the room again. 

“You were bleeding internally. And I know that’s where the blood is supposed to be, but-”

Jake smiled weakly. “It’s pretty bad, isn’t it?”

Amy patted his hand. “It’s pretty bad, but we’re going to make it, Jake.”

“Okay. Where’s Ellie? Is she okay?” 

“She’s going to be fine. She has a concussion and she hurt her arm. Rosa took her home.”

“Okay.” Jake nodded again. “Give it to me.”

“What?” 

“Just-” Jake’s eyes were filled with tears. “Tell me. Tell me everything. How bad is it?”

“Jake- we can wait for the doctor. I don’t know all the- I can’t tell you everything.”

“Amy,  _ please. _ I-I can figure it out on my own. The, the cast on my arm tells me something, and my leg- just  _ tell me _ Amy. There’s nobody I trust more than you.”

“Okay.” Amy reached for her notebook.

“Besides, my brain is fucked so it’s not like I’ll remember.” Jake laughed again, bitterly this time.

“Jake!”

“Come on Ames. Tell me.”

“They don’t know everything yet.” Amy read over the notebook. “You have a bad concussion, that’s why you’re having a hard time remembering things. Your arm is broken, but not seriously.”

“Leg?”

“Your tibia is fractured in a few places. They have a splint on it now, and we’ll schedule surgery when you’re more rested, and stable.”

“Why did I have the first surgery?”

“Internal bleeding.” Another question, another repetition, another thing to write down and tell them about later. “That was the more dangerous part. But they said that it’s under control, but they’re going to keep monitoring that and your lungs. That’s another thing. You have a chest tube. Your left lung collapsed- I mean, the correct term is pneumothorax, but-” 

“Cool. Cool cool cool cool cool cool.” Jake covered his eyes with his hand as his breaths grew more and more shallow. “Don’t- if there’s more don’t tell me.” 

“Babe, it’s going to be okay. You’re awake, and you’re talking, and that’s all good.” 

“I’m sorry.” Jake looked over at Amy, and the tears from earlier were running down his cheeks. “I’m sorry.”

“Jake, baby, you have nothing to apologize for. You’re doing so well.” Now they were both crying. “You’ve been so brave.”

“Like Anna?” Jake looked up at the ceiling and blinked a few times. 

“You remember that now?” Amy laughed through her tears. 

Jake nodded slightly. “Where’s Ellie? Is she okay?”

“She’s okay, babe. Rosa’s taking care of her.” Amy put her hand to Jake’s cheek, using her thumb to brush away his tears. “They’re going to be coming in to do some tests soon, and I need you to rest before that happens, okay?”

Jake nodded. “I’ll try.”

“And hey, listen. I’m going to be right here. I’m going to research the hell out of everything, and- and I’ll make a binder, and we’ll get through every hurdle. Today has been a crazy day, but we’ve had a lot of crazy days, remember?” 

_ FACT: Even when he was pumped full of pain meds and half-asleep, there was nothing better than Jake Peralta’s smile. _

  
  



	4. A Day Beyond This Night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a long one, be warned. As always, I appreciate your kind comments and kudos.  
> Stay safe and healthy.  
> -Win

“Mr. Peralta, we have some realities to face.” Dr. Chavez was looking at Jake's chart and frowning.

“Well, that’s not a fun face.” Jake’s laugh turned into a cough which turned into silence. 

“The physical therapy required for your tibial fracture is going to be complicated by your arm. We’re also monitoring your brain and spine. The fact that you lost consciousness at the scene is concerning, and while your CT scan came back clear yesterday, your wife has mentioned that you’re struggling with short term memory.”

“Traitor.” Jake whispered to Amy, who smiled and shushed him immediately.

“There’s also the question of your lungs and the internal damage we repaired yesterday. Things are improving, but we’re concerned about infection and your breathing, while improved, isn’t quite where we want it.” 

“What do I have to do to go home?” 

Dr Chavez frowned. “While I appreciate your forward thinking, it’s a little early to be talking about that. The repair of your tibial fracture is scheduled for tomorrow, and with the complications from yesterday, we’re conservatively looking at five days to a week before we can think about getting you home.”

“What about Eliana? Our daughter, she’s four, was in the accident with me. I-I need to see her, I have to-“ Jake was growing more and more agitated, his face flushing and his right hand slapping rapidly at his side. “I have to  _ see _ her, okay?”

“Jake, take a deep breath for me.” Dr Chavez put out a hand, placatingly. “If your numbers stay strong through the morning, I see no reason why Eliana couldn’t visit this afternoon. It’s unusual to have a child visit the ICU, especially one so young, but as long as it’s short and you’re feeling up to it, it might do you good.”

Amy nodded. “I’ll bring her by this afternoon, if I can.”

“Fantastic. Well, I’ll be by to see you again tomorrow, Mr. Peralta. Any questions for me?”

Jake shook his head, and Amy looked over her notebook. “I don’t have any now, but if I do-”

“I’ll be happy to talk to you, just let one of the nurses know.” Dr Chavez shook her hand, and Jake’s, and then he was gone.

“Jake?” He was avoiding Amy’s eyes, ever since his outburst. “Can you talk to me?”

He shook his head, and it was silent for a few minutes. Amy put her hand on his cheek, and he leaned into it, holding it there with his own. The rhythm of the heart monitor was the only sound while she waited.

“I don’t want to scare her.” Jake took Amy’s hand off of his cheek and finally looked her in the eyes. “But I’d like to see her. As soon as I can.”

“I know you do. And you won’t scare her. I’ve been reading about how to talk about things with a child, and I’ll talk to her before we come in, and it’ll be just fine. Maybe we’ll even FaceTime you from home, so that she can know ahead of time.” Amy kissed his hand. “She’s so smart, and so brave, and she was there right from the accident. You comforted her, you know? She wasn’t scared, and I’m sure you looked worse then, no offense.”

“None taken.”

“You’re her dad. She loves you so much, and she’s going to be thrilled to see you.” 

“You’re sure?” She wasn’t used to this much fear and apprehension in his eyes, or the pain underlying every expression.

“I’m sure. Now, I’m going to go call Rosa, and see if she can come be here with you while I go home to shower and get Ellie. Is there anything you want, from home?”

Jake shook his head. “I don’t know.”

“That’s okay. I’ll be right back.” 

* * *

_ “Hey, Rosa, it’s Amy. I’m so sorry to ask, I know you’ve been with Eliana, but is there any chance you could come to the hospital? I need to go home and shower and get some things from home and see Ellie and bring her to visit Jake, and Holt offered to spend the night but he can’t get here until-” _

_ “Don’t apologize. What time do you need me there?” _

_ “We should know by around 1pm if we’ll be able to bring Eliana to visit this afternoon.” _

_ “I’ll be there by 1:15, cool?”  _

_ “Thank you, Rosa. You’ve been-” _

_ “Don’t mention it.” _

* * *

“Daddy!” Eliana’s face lit up the screen of Rosa’s phone. 

“Hi ladybug!” 

“Look! Eliana raised her arm. “I have a blue cast, like Elsa!” 

“Wow!” Jake smiled. “How’s your head feeling, ladybug?”

Eliana looked around. “Mommy told me to sleep, so I did, but then I got scared, and she let me sleep with her and with Elsa-dog.”

“That’s exciting. Mommy let Elsa-dog in the bed? That’s against the rules.” Jake teased, knowing Amy was listening in. 

Amy appeared in the background, annoyed. “Did you think I was going to say no?”

“Say no more about it.”

“We’re going to come see you, but mommy said I can’t bring Elsa-dog.”

“That’s okay.” Jake glanced at Rosa, and she took the phone from him, allowing him to rest his arm back on the bed. “I’ll see Elsa-dog soon.”

“You can see her now!” The frame shook as Eliana ran across the living room to Elsa-dog’s kennel. “Look at my Elsa-dog.” The video almost instantly shifted as Ellie stood up again. “Mommy! Mommy! Daddy needs his glasses! So he can read me a story!”

Jake closed his eyes and laid his head back, his jaw shaking slightly. He could hear Amy in the background, telling Ellie that it was a good idea to pack his glasses, and suggesting something else that he couldn’t hear.

“Amy? Let me know when you’re getting close.” Rosa had taken the phone away, and was ending the call. Then she was sitting beside him, silent, waiting for him to break the silence. 

“I don’t want to talk about it.” He said finally.

“Great. You know this isn’t my thing.” Rosa looked at him, weighing her next words. “But when I’m not working, if you need somebody to not-talk with you.” She shrugged.

Jake nodded. “Okay.”

* * *

Amy appeared in the doorway of his room with Eliana on her hip. “Look, Eliana, there’s daddy!”

“Daddy!” Eliana wiggled down from Amy’s grasp and ran to the side of the bed. 

“Be careful, honey.” Amy said, hurrying to move the chair closer for her to perch on. “Remember what we talked about?”

“Of course I remember.” Eliana glared at her mother, and then turned to Jake, leaning up onto the bed. “I’m going to be very gentle.” 

Her arms carefully wrapped around Jake’s neck, her blue cast rubbing against his cheek just a little. “I love you, Daddy.”

“I love you too, ladybug.” 

“Why are you crying?” Eliana moved back, and touched his cheek with her hand. Jake pulled her closer again with his good hand.

“I’m just happy to see you, ladybug.” Jake whispered into her hair. Amy had put a bag down on the little table, and was unpacking it. “Quick, don’t let mommy see me crying.” 

“Okay.” Ellie whispered conspiratorially, wiping his face with her hand again. “Mommy! Daddy has a cast just like me!”

“Oh really?” Amy was back over at Jake’s side, helping Ellie back to the chair. 

“Mine is prettier.” Eliana told Jake, examining his arm without touching it. “See? Dr. Mitchell signed it! And mommy, and Aunt Rosa, and Mr. Terry, and Mrs. Sharon, and Ava, and Lacey, and Cagney.”

“That’s great, ladybug.” Jake smiled.

“Can you sign it, Daddy? And can you draw a kitty, like Taylor Swift’s kitties? And a ladybug? Mommy, do you have the pen?”

“Here.” Amy handed Jake a Sharpie. “Are you up for that?”

“Yeah, yeah. Do you have, uh, my, uh-” He snapped his fingers. “I can’t see.” 

“Your glasses.” Amy handed them over. 

“Did they take away my contacts?” Jake asked, blinking at the room with new clarity.

“For surgery. It’s standard. I should have brought them to you sooner.”

“Daddy! Sign my cast!” Eliana pushed her arm back in front of him.

“Okay, okay ladybug.” The pen was shaking in his hand as he scrawled  _ Jake _ on the blue surface. 

“You wrote Jake, not Daddy.” Eliana complained. 

“I-I’m sorry.” Jake looked at Amy helplessly. 

“Ellie, baby, how about you show Daddy what we brought him from home?”

“Can I take a picture with Daddy and my cast?” Eliana asked. “Before I show him?”

“Jake?” Amy locked eyes with him. 

“Go ahead.” Jake held up his arm, and Ellie squeezed next to him on the bed. “Smile, ladybug.”

“Yay!” Eliana slid off the bed, and ran over to the bag.

Amy took her place by Jake’s side. “Are you okay, Jake? Was this too much?”

He shook his head. “I’m tired. It’s good to see her.” There was sweat beading by his hairline, Amy noticed. That was something to note. How long had it been? 10 minutes? 

“Look, Daddy, I brought your sweatshirt.” Ellie was back beside them, tossing the worn blue jacket on top of the bed. 

“Thank you, ladybug.” Amy noticed that his breathing was getting shallow again, and the sweat was beading down his cheek.

“Santiago? Peralta? Am I interrupting?” The family looked up at Captain Holt, who was standing at the door with his coat over his arm. 

“No, not at all.” Amy stood up. “Jake, Eliana and I need to go home tonight. She needs to get a regular sleep schedule, enough hours, for her head. I’m really sorry, but she needs me at home.”

“Hey, Ames, it’s okay. I’ll be fine.” Jake squeezed her hand. 

“Holt said he would sit here with you, if you need anything, and I’ll give him my notebook in case you need a reminder about anything.” 

“I’ll sit with Eliana in the waiting room while you say goodnight.” Holt offered his hand to Eliana. 

“Thank you.” Amy mouthed, and sat down again next to Jake. They could hear Ellie talking all the way down the hallway, asking Holt to sign her cast and telling him about Elsa-dog.

“Thank you.” Jake repeated, to Amy this time. “For bringing her.”

“I’m sorry that I can’t stay.” Amy was holding his hand again. “I don’t want to leave, but she had nightmares last night, Rosa said.”

Jake shook his head. “You’re right. She needs structure.” 

“If you need anything, ask Holt, or he can call me. You aren’t in too much pain.”

Jake shook his head. “It’s not too bad. Goodnight, Ames.”

“Goodnight, Jake.” 


	5. Have Courage (I'm Trying To)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thank you for reading. Your comments are always appreciated, or feel free to drop a line over at my Tumblr. My username is winnietherpooh there as well.   
> Stay safe and healthy!  
> -Win

Putting Eliana to bed at home without Jake was something Amy hated on a good day. She was fidgety, and wanted to call Daddy, or FaceTime him, and she would ignore Amy and play with Elsa-dog or do something else. And that was when Jake really was a phone call away, when Amy could say, “Look at the calendar, Eliana,” and Ellie could run over to their whiteboard calendar and look at the place where she had put her favorite Elsa and Anna magnet on the day Jake would be back. 

This was different, and so much worse. Jake was gone, indefinitely, and on top of that, Eliana was tired and cranky and dealing with her own concussion on top of the stress of the accident, and visiting the ICU.

Tonight, she was laying on the floor of the living room, coloring beside Elsa-dog, abnormally quiet. That was a symptom, Amy had found in her research online. She should be expecting disrupted moods, lethargy, and sleep schedules, and the best way to help Ellie adjust would be to recreate a sense of normalcy. That, on top of making sure she answered Eliana’s questions about Jake, and followed the suggestions she had found for guiding conversations about having a parent in the hospital. 

God, she missed Jake. He would be playing Taylor Swift, or laying on the floor with Ellie and playing with Elsa-dog, drawing with her, or coloring on their craft table. How was she supposed to parent without her partner? 

She had meant to update the whiteboard calendar, to add Jake’s surgery tomorrow and to write in the “milestone days” that Dr. Chavez had told her about earlier. Then, she was going to put Eliana to bed, and do research on home routines and ways she could make the apartment more accessible for Jake, if he had to come home with a wheelchair or crutches. Instead, she was sitting at the kitchen table, idly drawing circles across the whiteboard with the pen, trying not to think about Jake by himself, confused and alone and wondering where she was, and where Ellie was, and asking the same questions over and over and over.

The sound of Eliana sniffling from the living room floor interrupted the circles. 

“Ellie?” Amy glanced over the couch, and saw that Eliana was crying, fat tears dripping onto Olaf’s obnoxiously cheery face. “Eliana, baby, what’s the matter?” 

“I don’t know.” Eliana’s face crumpled, and for a second she looked so much like Jake that Amy could hardly stand it.

“Oh, Ellie.” Amy was in the living room right away, and Eliana held up her arms like a toddler. She had gotten to the age where she almost completely rejected being held, except by Jake, and even then usually only when she was tired or sick. Now, she was laying her head on Amy’s shoulder, sobbing hysterically. 

“I’m sorry.” Eliana sniffled.

“Why are you sorry, Ellie-bug?” Amy swayed back and forth, rocking Eliana like she had done when she was a baby. Elsa-dog whined from the floor, concerned.

“I’m supposed to be brave, like Anna.” 

“Oh Ellie, you’re still brave. Anna cried, and she was still brave.” Amy found herself blinking back tears of her own. “It’s okay for you to cry. I know this is scary, and that you don’t feel very good right now.”

Eliana didn’t reply, and Amy carried her to her bedroom, with Elsa-dog following close behind. 

They sat in the rocking chair for almost an hour, Eliana finally falling into a restless sleep. When Amy put her in her bed, Elsa-dog jumped up beside her, and Ellie, half-asleep, wrapped her arm around the dog. 

Amy sighed. This was against every rule in their house, and every suggestion about raising pets with children, and every principle of sanitation. She turned on the nightlight, flipped off the lamp, and left the room.

It only took an hour for Eliana to wake up, crying and shaking from a nightmare she couldn’t describe. Amy picked her up again, and took her to her own bedroom, letting her daughter fall asleep snuggled against her, clutching the front of the NYPD shirt- Jake’s shirt- that Amy had worn to bed. Both of them fell into a fitful sleep, the ever-faithful Elsa-dog sprawled across Amy’s feet.

* * *

2:39 AM. Raymond Holt’s name lit up the screen of Amy’s phone as she threw out her hand to pick it up from the bedside table. She was awake in an instant, bolt upright, her heart pounding out of her chest. “What’s wrong?”

  
  



	6. Watching the Hours Tick By

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for yesterday's cliffhanger, friends. This makes it better, I promise (?).  
> Stay safe and healthy!  
> -Win

Amy was only half aware of Eliana pressing against her side as Holt told her that Jake had had a seizure, he was showing symptoms of a brain bleed, that he hadn’t regained consciousness, that they were expecting that he’d need emergency surgery, and suggesting that she get to the hospital as soon as possible.

“I-what about Eliana?” Amy got out of bed numbly, trying to put her contacts in with one hand while Eliana watched wide-eyed from the bed.

“Bring her with you.” Holt sounded unshakeable as ever over the phone, the worry from earlier in the call almost entirely gone. “I’ll call Kevin. We can provide care for Eliana tonight, and I’m sure that Kevin will be willing to take her to work with him tomorrow.”

“I can’t ask you to-“ Amy looked over to where Ellie had her arms wrapped around Elsa-dog, eyes wide with terror. 

“Nonsense, Santiago, I’ve already decided. You and Jacob and Eliana are family. Kevin will be on his way.”

Amy put down the phone, and realized that she was shaking as her mind raced through all the worst case scenarios, the webpages she’d closed yesterday because Jake was awake and talking and none of them were  _ supposed _ to happen.

“Mommy?” Eliana’s plaintive voice brought her crashing back to reality. “Is Daddy going to die?”

“Oh, baby.” Amy went back to the bed and sat down next to her. “I don’t know. The doctors and nurses are very worried, but they’re doing their best to take care of him. We need to go to the hospital so that I can talk to them.”

“Right now?” Eliana’s face was buried in Elsa-dog’s fur. “I’m sleepy.” 

“I know you’re sleepy, but you can go back to sleep. Do you remember Mr. Raymond? And Mr. Kevin?”

Ellie nodded.

“You’re going to go to their house while I help the doctors and nurses take care of Daddy.”

“I don’t want to go, I want to stay with you.” Eliana climbed into her lap, her arms wrapped tightly around Amy’s neck. “I’m scared.”

“I know. You’re such a brave girl. Lay here for me, and I’m going to get your backpack.”

“Mommy?” 

Amy had stood up, and was at the chest of drawers. 

“Can I wear the sweatshirt? Daddy always lets me wear it when I’m scared.”

Amy pushed away the pit in her chest as she opened the bottom drawer, pulling out Jake’s NYPD hoodie. It practically swallowed Eliana, but she smiled happily.

“Mommy? Can you pack my Frozen book? I want to color a picture for Daddy.”   
“Of course, Ellie-bug. Daddy will love that.”

* * *

Kevin hadn’t arrived yet when Amy and Eliana reached the hospital. Holt took the drowsy Eliana from Amy’s arms, and sat down with her in the waiting room while Amy signed papers, and took notes and talked to Dr. Chavez. When she came back, Kevin was there, comforting Holt, she realized, while Eliana slept in his lap.

“Well?” They both looked up as Amy walked in. 

“It’s a subdural hematoma. It showed up on the CT, and they’re preparing him for surgery now. It’ll be hours, probably, before I know anything else. You-you should go.” Amy knew she sounded callous, sounded like a robot who didn’t care. But it was  _ Jake _ who she had just kissed goodbye, hoping that she would see him open his eyes again on the other side, and if she tried to think about it, tried to focus on anything but the facts, she was going to lose it.

Holt and Kevin, it seemed, were the only two people who might understand that.

“Santiago, Kevin is going to take Eliana back to our house. She can sleep and eat a nutritious breakfast, and stay there as long as necessary.” Holt was flipping through Amy’s babysitting binder, the one that she had made as soon as Eliana was old enough to be left with a babysitter, and updated monthly since then. “Of course, we won’t be watching movies with her because-”

“Children with concussions should avoid screens as much as possible.” Amy and Holt finished speaking at the same time. “Thank you, sir. I packed some of her books, and coloring books and crayons. And- shit I didn’t pack a change of clothes. I forgot.”

“It will be perfectly fine, Amy.” Kevin stood up, managing to keep Eliana asleep in the process. “I am sure that Raymond and I can find something for her to wear, if the need arises. It seems she has a preference for adult clothes anyway.” He smiled.

“That’s Jake’s sweatshirt.” Amy explained, knowing that he probably knew that already.

“Naturally. Raymond, are you coming?” Kevin looked over his shoulder.

Holt shook his head. “I’ll wait with Santiago.”

“You really don’t have to.” Amy immediately responded. “It’s the middle of the night.”

“Santiago.” Holt had switched into his captain’s voice. “If you’ve done the research, you know that it’s just as important for caregivers to receive support as patients. I will be staying.” 

“Okay.” Amy sat down, defeated, and together they watched the clock tick, staring down the eerily dark, abandoned hall.

* * *

Amy woke with a start. Holt was standing at the door of the waiting room, two Starbucks cups in his hands. “When did I fall asleep?” 

“A few hours ago.” Holt offered her one of the cups. “You needed rest.”

“But I might have missed something.”

“You didn’t.” As Holt sat down again, Dr. Chavez finally appeared in the door.

“Ms. Santiago? Your husband is out of surgery. I think it went well, all things considered, though time will have to be the judge of that. You’ll be able to see him once he’s been moved back to the ICU.”

“Will there be any lasting effects?” Amy knew as soon as she asked that it was a stupid question. All the evidence showed that it took hours, days, weeks even to tell the full extent of damage from a brain injury or surgery, and of course Dr. Chavez wouldn’t be able to tell her anything.

“It’s too early to tell that, Ms. Santiago. It’s good that we caught the bleed fairly early, otherwise the outlook would be far more serious. I have to warn you, it may be some time before he regains consciousness. We’re going to push the tibial repair until tomorrow, to give his body some time to recover from this morning, but it’s still critical to get those bones set as soon as possible.”

“Right. That makes sense. When will I see him? I know he’ll be asleep, but I want to be there as soon as I can.”

“Of course, Ms. Santiago. A nurse will come get you as soon as they can. I’ll continue to be on his case, and I’ll be by again throughout the day to monitor his progress and answer any questions you may have. We are doing everything we can, and I’m speaking for myself and the entire staff here when I say that we will do everything we can to support you and your family during this time.” Dr. Chavez shook her hand, and was gone again. 

“Santiago?” Holt was guiding her back to the chair, forcing her to sit down. “Santiago, I need you to breathe for me.” She could hear his voice from a distance, guiding her through deep breaths in and out. “Santiago, I need you to breathe. Jake needs you to breathe.”

* * *

_ FACT: Raymond Holt is a police captain, with years of experience seeing people at their worst, helping people who are unconscious or close to death, and facing the most difficult parts of New York. That doesn’t make it any easier to see Jake Peralta a few machines away from death. _

_ FACT: Jake Peralta looks years younger when he is asleep, even when his head is bandaged and his face is bruised, and half his limbs are in casts or slings, and there are more wires and tubes than skin visible. Even when there is a tube down his throat, breathing for him, he looks like a child. And it’s just so, so wrong.  _

_ FACT: Amy Santiago has studied this and read countless articles, and knows, logically, all the reasons why this shouldn’t scare her too much. The machines and wires and the ventilator are all helping him, not hurting him. He’s asleep because his brain is healing itself, giving him time to come back to life. She doesn’t need to be scared. _

_ FACT: Amy Santiago is terrified. _

  
  



	7. Stumbling Blindly Towards the Light

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No, I didn't forget about y'all. Just had a hell of a time finishing this chapter. As always, your comments are cherished and appreciated.  
> Stay safe and healthy!  
> -Win

“Look, Eliana! It’s Uncle Charles!” Amy stood up from Holt and Kevin’s doorstep as she saw Charles and Nikolaj approaching down the sidewalk.

“Hi there Ellie!” Nikolaj knelt down at the gate as Eliana ran to greet them. “How are you today?”

“Do you want to sign my cast?” Eliana proudly showed Nikolaj her collection of signatures, ranging from the perfect “Raymond J. Holt” to Jake’s scrawled name. Amy could tell when Charles saw it. His head jerked back up immediately, and met her eyes with concern.

Amy shook her head and shrugged, and Charles spoke up immediately. “Eliana, I told Queen Elsa about you.”

“Actually, Uncle Charles, Anna’s the queen.” Eliana’s attention switched from Nikolaj to Charles immediately. “Elsa’s the protector of the Enchanted Forest.” 

“Of course! That was silly of me. Well, Nikolaj and I met Elsa, and Anna, and we told them all about our brave friend Eliana and her puppy named Elsa.”

“Really?” Eliana was watching with rapt attention. 

“And Niko helped me pick out a present for you.” Charles handed Eliana the package, letting Nikolaj open it with her while he walked over to Amy. “How is he?”

“He still hasn’t woken up. Dr. Chavez said that it could be a matter of hours or days, or weeks. He’s hoping it’ll be shorter, obviously.” Amy sighed. “Today doesn’t really count because he’s having surgery again in a couple hours. I brought Eliana over for breakfast, and I think she’s going to stay.”

“Surgery? Again?” Charles frowned. “I was hoping to see him.”

“It’s for his leg. They had to postpone it from yesterday because of the--” Eliana was running over to Amy, Elsa and Anna dolls clutched under her right arm. “The other surgery.” Amy finished. “Wow, Eliana! Did you say thank you to Uncle Charles and Niko?’   
“Thank you.” Eliana pushed against Amy. “I want to show Daddy.”

“How about I take a picture of you with Uncle Charles and Niko, and then we can show that to Daddy?” Amy suggested, pulling out her phone.

“My daddy’s asleep.” Eliana explained to Charles. “He’s in a coma.” 

“Oh.” Charles was taken aback. “I’m sorry.”

“Mommy said he’s going to wake up soon, and we have to remember all the things to tell him because he’ll want to remember.” Eliana was pulling on Amy’s phone. 

“That sounds like a good idea, Eliana. Here, Niko, come over here. We’re taking a picture for Jakey.” 

“I’ll call you and let you know how he’s doing after the surgery, Charles.” Amy let Eliana run into the house to show Cheddar and Kevin and Holt her new Elsa and Anna. 

“Great. I can’t wait to see him.” Charles was uncharacteristically subdued, Amy noticed. “Look, even if he’s not awake- I’d just like to be there, to see him. You know they say that they can hear, and I just want him to know that I care.”   


* * *

“He’s coming by tomorrow.” Amy held Jake’s hand, watching his face for any sign of movement. “And Eliana wants to see you, but I think this might be too hard for her. Later, when you’re better, I’ll bring her back. Kevin said he’ll teach her how to play piano, if she keeps spending time over there. I don’t know when I’ll have her back at the preschool. She’s still cranky and has a headache, and she just needs real attention without too much noise and stimulation. And she misses you.” 

There was still no response besides the beeping of the monitors, and the hissing of the ventilator keeping Jake alive. “I miss you too. So I need you to wake up, okay? Jake, please, I need you to wake up.” 

Hours passed. She was pacing up and down, trying not to touch her hair, trying not to look as paranoid and terrified as she felt.

Logically, it hadn’t even been that long. Two days, not even including the fact that he had been under anesthesia earlier, two days wasn’t that long for somebody to have been in a coma. There wasn’t any reason why Jake couldn’t take his time waking up, and still be okay.

There also wasn’t any good reason why he shouldn’t wake up now, why he shouldn’t be laughing at her walking up and down the tiny space between his bed and the cabinets on the wall. 

Her phone was buzzing in her hand, and of all the people she wanted to talk to, David Santiago was close to last on the list. But he was her brother, and he never called her, and so she answered it, sitting down beside Jake again, hoping that the lifeline of holding his hand would get her through this call. 

What did he even have to say about this? 

_ “Well, when I got into a car accident, I definitely didn’t have a brain bleed. I just have too much respect for my body.” _

_ “Did you know that one time I was almost hit by a car, but I used the power of song and dance to stop it in its tracks and helped a little old lady cross the road?”  _

“Hello?” She could have done without her voice cracking on the very first word.

“Amy? It’s David.” He didn’t sound jubilant, or exultant, or even like he was going to give her some fantastic word of advice.

“Yeah.” 

“Mama told me about Jake and Eliana.”

“Okay.” She was exhausted, too exhausted to try to predict what was going to come next.

“I just wanted to say, I’m really sorry. You don’t deserve this. Nobody does, but especially not you. How’s Jake?” Oh. That was unexpected.

“He had brain surgery.” She could have phrased that so much better, but her voice was choking up in a way she hadn’t expected. “And he’s still not awake. So.” She knew David had to hear the false notes in her voice, the calculated casual tone.

“I’m sorry to hear that, Amy. He’s a good man, and I hope he’s okay.” God, now she might cry. Was this really David? “And mi sobrina?” 

“Eliana’s fine. A little shaken up, and she broke her arm, but she’s okay.” 

David was saying something back, but Jake’s hand had moved. Amy stared, watching again as his fingers contracted slowly, brushing across her own. 

“And listen, Amy, if there’s anything you need, call me, call Miguel, call Tony, call any of us, we’re all here for you and Jake, okay?”

“Okay. Hey, I have to go. There’s something going on with Jake.”

“Oh.” There it was again. Genuine concern, genuine caring. “Well, go, and keep us updated as much as you can.” 

Amy let her phone slip to the floor, waiting, hoping. And there it was again, Jake’s hand moving in her own. Her eyes went to his face, and she thought she saw his eyelids flickering.


	8. A River full of Memory

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, I appreciate your comments and support.   
> Stay safe and healthy!  
> -Win

“Ms. Santiago, you should go home.” The nurse, Gloria, said bluntly. “The odds of Mr. Peralta waking up in the next few hours are slim to none. It’ll take a few hours to get him off of the ventilator, and reduce his sedation enough to where he’ll be any more responsive than he is now.”

“But what if he wakes up and I’m not here?” Amy looked up. “I couldn’t forgive myself.”   
“Ms. Santiago, I understand your worry, believe me.” Gloria was writing something on Jake’s chart. “Trust me when I say that you will feel better for getting some rest. There’s a protocol for removing the ventilator tube, and reducing the sedation, and that takes time. You won’t be able to be in here with him, and I think you’d benefit from taking a nap, getting a shower, maybe grabbing something to eat. You can come back early in the morning, and you won’t have missed anything.” Amy frowned. “You have to take care of yourself too. Jake will be right here, and if by some unforeseen medical miracle he’s awake earlier than I told you, I will call you and offer my sincerest apologies. But he isn’t going to be alone, I can promise you that.”

“Okay. And you’ll call me, if anything changes?”   
“I promise.” Gloria was almost shooing her out the door of the unit. "I don't want to see you here for at least four hours, do you hear me?" 

* * *

Without Jake, or even Eliana, the apartment felt emptier than ever. Elsa-dog was temporarily staying at Holt’s, since her presence helped Eliana calm down. That was something to research, Amy remembered. Every night since the accident, Ellie had woken up screaming or crying. That is, once she finally fell asleep. How much of that was her concussion, and how much of it was trauma? 

Amy wrote it on the whiteboard calendar, and wandered aimlessly around the kitchen. There was a half-empty liter of orange soda still in the fridge. Jake had bought it for their movie night, the Friday night before the accident. He had been drinking it, she remembered, after they put Eliana to bed. When they had argued.

* * *

_ “It’s supposed to be a family thing, Jake. You can’t just cut me out of it.” _

_ “I’m not cutting you out of it, Amy. You have to work, and it’s not fair to Eliana if we just cancel it tomorrow morning as soon as she wakes up. You know how much she’s been looking forward to this.” Jake pointed at the calendar. “Look, she even put her most-special-ist Elsa magnet on the day.” _

_ “I know, but I want to go. I want to be there too.” Amy’s voice was getting almost hysterical. “I can’t just miss everything because of work.” _

_ “You’re not missing everything. It’s just this one thing. And honestly, Ames, I wouldn’t mind getting some time to hang out with her. I’ve been so caught up in that case, that I haven’t had as much time to spend with her as I’ve wanted. We’ll go again, as a family. I promise.” _

_ “I can’t be the mom that chooses work over my daughter. Don’t make me the bad guy in this, Jake.” _

_ “Dammit, Amy, I’m not making you the bad guy. I just can’t stand disappointing her when we’ve been promising her this all week.” _

_ “Well, what about disappointing me?” She knew how stupid that sounded as soon as it came out of her mouth. “Did it ever cross your mind that maybe I want to spend time with my daughter too? She’s not just yours, you know.”  _

_ “I know that.” Jake looked hurt, but she couldn’t stop herself from continuing. _

_ “And I know you like being Super-Dad who swoops in when mommy is being mean or boring or makes her eat vegetables, but you take her on all of these adventures and you do all the fun things with her, and it makes me feel like the bad guy. The mean parent. It’s so selfish, Jake.”  _

_ She hadn’t seen that look in his eyes since-she couldn’t remember. “Ames, what is this really about?”  _

_ “I am trying so hard to be a good mom.” Her voice was shaking, and now she was on the verge of tears. “And be a good cop. And everybody keeps telling me that I can’t manage it, and that I’m either neglecting Eliana or giving up my career. I’m trying so hard, Jake.” _

_ He was kneeling beside her chair now, rubbing her back gently. “Hey, Amy, look at me. You are a great mom. I can’t imagine anybody doing a better job than you do. Eliana is happy, and she’s so smart, because she takes after you. Sometimes you have to work, but that’s life, Ames. You teach her what it means to be badass, and to work hard, and to protect people. That’s not nothing, Ames. You have no idea how much she loves you. You’re not the mean parent.”  _

_ “Okay.”  _

_ “And I am so, so sorry if I’ve made you feel that way.” Jake was pulling her to her feet. “And you know what we’re doing now?” _

_ “Jake-” _

_ “Nope, no arguing with me now. We’re having a dance party.” He was fidgeting with his phone behind her back, and then music filled the kitchen. _

_ “Jake, Eliana’s asleep.” The sound faded down, and Jake was swaying back and forth with her, whispering Taylor Swift’s lyrics into her ear while they danced around the room. _

* * *

Amy stared at the liter of orange soda, and then pulled it out of the fridge and poured herself a glass. She was sitting at the table, forlornly sipping away at the almost sickly-sweet liquid, when it clicked. Music. There was an article she had read-or maybe it was a podcast, that had talked about music helping people recovering from brain injuries. Getting up, she grabbed Jake’s speaker from their room, sticking it into the bag she had been bringing to the hospital. It wasn’t until after her shower, when she was laying in bed with her arms wrapped around a pillow that almost smelled like Jake, when she remembered the rest of their conversation.

* * *

_ “Hey Ames?” Jake whispered into her ear that night, long after the dance party when they were finally in bed. “We’ll have an adventure, okay? All three of us. Our family.” _

_ “I didn’t mean all that, Jake. About you being selfish.”  _

_ “Okay. Ellie’s going to miss you tomorrow, you know that, right?”  _

_ “Yeah. Probably.” _ _   
_ _ “She will. And I’ll take lots of pictures, so that you can feel like you’re there.” _

* * *

Amy sat bolt upright, and reached for her phone. Sure enough, there in her iCloud library was an album from Jake. Now she could remember getting the notification for it, when she had been in the middle of working and too busy to look at it. There was Eliana, running ahead of Jake between the rows of trees in the orchard. A selfie of Eliana perched on Jake’s shoulders to grab an especially lofty apple. A dozen pictures with different snapchat filters, with Ellie showing off her favorite apples. How had she missed these? 

And then there was a video of Eliana waving and Jake telling her, “Say hi to mommy! We miss you mommy, and we wish you were here.” Eliana repeated it back, and Jake ended the video by blowing a kiss. 

A wave of missing Jake hit Amy. All the tears from the past few days, every suppressed emotion that had been shoved aside for facts, rushed back, and then she was sobbing, curled in a fetal position on a bed that was made for two people, not one. 

  
  



	9. Won't Look Too Far Ahead

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi my loves! I'm back again. As always, I appreciate your kind comments and reactions to this fic.  
> Stay safe and healthy!  
> -Win <3

Gloria had been right, of course. There wasn’t a dramatic “waking up” moment, and even when Jake did open his eyes, it wasn’t until she had come back to the hospital the next morning, hours after they had taken him off of the ventilator. She was holding his hand, telling him about Eliana and her plans for the day. “I think Kevin is taking her into work. He said that she would be a welcome guest at his 11am lecture. She adores him, just follows him around and talks to him all the time. And he puts up with it. He more than puts up with it, honestly. He and Holt have both been so supportive. Holt put me on paid administrative leave, so that I can be here with you.” 

Jake’s hand moved in hers, and she looked up. His eyes were open, and he was watching her.

“Jake?” Amy hadn’t expected to spontaneously start crying when she saw his eyes. “Hey.”

Jake smiled faintly, and struggled for a moment before speaking. “Hey.” It was hoarse, not Jake’s voice at all, really, but he was awake and he was talking to her.

“How long were you listening to me?” Amy asked. “Did you hear all the mushy embarrassing stuff.”

“Eliana.” Jake’s face twitched with pain for a second as he drew in a breath. 

“Are you okay?” Amy corrected immediately. “Sorry, that’s dumb. Are you in pain?”

“Hurts.” Jake winced, and tried to laugh. 

“That’s okay. I’ll get the nurse in here, and Dr. Chavez. He’ll be happy to see you’re awake.” 

* * *

“Can you tell me your name?” 

“Jake Peralta.” He was struggling, Amy could tell. 

“And do you know where you are, Jake?” Dr. Chavez

“Not home.” Jake tried to laugh.

Dr. Chavez smiled, but it was forced. “Well, that’s technically right. Do you know why you’re here?” 

Jake closed his eyes for a few seconds, and the silence in the room was almost palpable. “The car.” 

“That’s right. You were in a car accident a week ago.” Dr. Chavez sounded so calm, so familiar with this process of telling people about chunks of time they had missed in their lives. “You remember the car accident?” Jake nodded. “Afterwards, they brought you here. You had a brain bleed, and you needed emergency surgery. You might be feeling some confusion, or having difficulty feeling awake.” Jake nodded again. “That’s a result of that. My name is Dr. Chavez, I’ve been leading your team for the past week. It’s nice to have you back with us.” 

Jake smiled slightly, and nodded again. Amy noticed the nurse writing something down. 

“Jake, we’re going to do some tests, but first I want you to try some things for me, okay?” 

Dr. Chavez smiled at Amy. “Can you squeeze Amy’s hand?” 

The room grew more and more quiet, all eyes on Jake and his hand in Amy’s. His fingers moved slightly, grazing across her palm like they had before. Then stopped. 

“Can you try again for me?” Dr. Chavez asked again, gently.

Jake’s hand moved again, slightly, showing progress. Not squeezing her hand. His breathing grew more shallow. “I’m trying. My hardest.”

“Okay. Okay, Jake, that’s okay.” Dr. Chavez reassured him. “We’ll work on that. The nurse is going to check some other things for you, and then I want you to get some rest. Do you have any questions?”

Jake shook his head, and Amy could feel his hand shaking in her grasp.

“Well, then I’ll talk to both of you later.” Dr. Chavez stepped out of the room, and Amy stood up. 

“I’ll be right back, Jake. Dr. Chavez!” He turned around in the hallway. “I need you to tell me what’s wrong.”

“Ms. Santiago-”

“He’s not speaking hardly at all.” Amy told Dr. Chavez, outside in the hallway. “You saw that. He just shakes his head yes, and no, and sometimes he’ll say my name, or Ellie’s, or just a few words together. And that’s not Jake. Jake loves to talk, we can’t get him to shut up. And Ellie- she’s just like him. The two of them just talk for hours, and he reads to her. And now he’s not talking.” 

Dr. Chavez frowned, sympathy spilling out of his face. “We’ll have to keep observing him. This could just be him regaining consciousness, and waking up.”

“Or?” Amy pressed the question immediately. “What else could it be?”

“Ms. Santiago, you should prepare yourself for a long recovery process. The injury to your husband’s brain was on the left side, the side that controls language. It’s possible that he may have difficulties with speaking as a result. It’ll take some time to tell, and we’ll have a speech and language therapist put in contact with you if the problem persists. For now, he needs you to be patient, and give him time. His hand- that’s also a result of the injury. The left side of the brain-”

“Controls the right side of the body. I know. Okay. Okay. Cool, cool cool cool cool cool.” Amy pressed her hands to her head. “So what do I do? What can I do help him? I mean, I did all the research and I thought I was prepared for all of this, but he can’t talk to me, he can’t even squeeze my hand.”

“Amy, breathe.” Dr. Chavez put his hand on her shoulder. “All we can do right now is be patient, and help him readjust. He’s lost six days, maybe seven depending on how much he remembers from waking up after the accident. That’s going to take some adjustment, and you are the best person possible to help him with that.”

“Okay. What do I do? Just tell me something that I can do for him, please.” Amy pleaded, desperately. “I need to be doing something.”

“I understand that. Talk to him. Ask him questions, and give him some time to respond. Don’t put words in his mouth, give him the chance to find them on his own. If he asks for help, or he’s getting frustrated, give him some encouragement. We’ll get a physical therapist involved, and they can show you exercises to help him to work with his hand. You can assist with those.”

“Talk to him, physical therapist. Got it.” 

“Time will tell, Ms. Santiago.” Dr. Chavez smiled again, and left down the hall.

  
  



	10. The Future Remains Unknown

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What up, it's Win back with your daily dose of angst (and Eliana!). As always, I appreciate your comments and support.  
> Stay safe and healthy!  
> -Win

She hadn’t expected him to be crying. Jake didn’t cry often, at least not for his own sake. He would cry at sad movies, or at a Taylor Swift song, or if Eliana cried, sometimes. But rarely because of his own pain. So this Jake, head pressed back into the pillows, tears running down his cheeks over his clenched jaw- this was something different.

“Jake?” Amy dropped her bag at the door and was at his side in an instant. “Jake, babe, what’s wrong?”

He turned his face away from her, refusing to look her in the eyes.

“Are you in pain? Do you need me to call the nurse?” He shook his head, still looking away from her. “Okay. That’s okay. I’m right here, Jake, whenever you’re ready.” 

They had slipped into a type of routine in the days after Jake had woken up for the first time. Amy would spend nights at the apartment, or at Holt and Kevin’s house. She would come back around 9 in the morning, when Jake had actually woken up, since according to Gloria, his night nurse, he was having difficulty sleeping. She would spend most of the day there, talking to him, talking to Dr. Chavez, and the seemingly endless specialists who were working with his broken arm, his leg, checking the status of his internal injuries, evaluating his brain, and doing physical therapy. Some days, she would leave in the afternoon, or wait to come in, to spend time with Eliana. 

Amy got up, retrieving her bag from the door and pulling out Jake’s speaker. “Ellie made a playlist of songs for you. She keeps asking when she can come see you, but Dr. Chavez said we need to wait a little longer. I thought maybe we could facetime her this afternoon. Are you feeling up for that?” She looked over. Jake was watching her, grief still written across his face. “Hey. Can you tell me what’s wrong?” 

Jake shook his head again, his mind clearly working to put together the words. “I’m tired.” 

“I know, baby.” 

He looked up at the ceiling, slowly piecing out the next sentence, tears still seeping out of the corners of his eyes. “I hate the fucking tube.” 

“I know.” Amy cupped her hand around his face with her right hand, still holding his hand in her left. “I know that the feeding tube is uncomfortable, and awkward.”

“And gross.” Jake supplied. “Stupid child.” 

“Jake. You are  _ not _ a stupid child, and a feeding tube doesn’t make you childish.” Amy corrected him immediately. “I know you hate it. But that’s what we have to use right now. It’s too risky for you to try swallowing foods at this point.” Jake closed his eyes again, ignoring her. “I know that’s not what you want me to say. I can tell you that you’re improving every day. You’re getting closer and closer to having that out, and then I’ll bring you some orange soda. But you have to keep holding on for me, okay?”

“Okay.” Jake whispered. “Ellie. It’s scary.”

“You mean if we FaceTime her?” Jake nodded. “She isn’t going to be scared. If she’s bothered by it, I’ll explain it to her when I go over there, or I’m sure Kevin and Holt can help her with that.”   
“Okay.”

Amy jumped up. “Oh! I almost forgot, she did another drawing for you.” She pulled the coloring page out of her bag. “Kevin found a Taylor Swift coloring page somewhere online, I have no idea where, and she decorated it for you.” Jake squinted, and she reacted immediately. “Oh, glasses. I’m sorry.” After adjusting them on his face, she sat down again to show him the picture. “I think she must have gotten them to write for her. There’s a note on the back. Can I read it to you?” Jake nodded. 

_ Dear Daddy, _

_ Elsa-dog says hi. We miss you.  _

_ I hope you feel better soon. _

_ Ladybug _

When Amy looked up from the note, Jake’s eyes were shining again. “Oh, Jake. I’m sorry, I didn’t think it would upset you.”

Jake shook his head. “I miss her.”

* * *

“Peralta.” Holt was holding the phone way too far way from his face, looking at it through his glasses. “It’s good to see you. Eliana is-” They could hear her laughing in the background, and Cheddar’s bark. “Eliana, your parents are on the phone.” Holt flipped the camera, and they could see Eliana playing on the floor with Cheddar. She got up, running over to Holt. 

“Here you are.” 

“Daddy!” Eliana’s face lit up when she saw Jake.

“Hi Ladybug!” Jake tried putting his usual enthusiasm into greeting her, but it fell flat.

“Your voice sounds funny.” Eliana’s brow wrinkled.

“Eliana, remember what we talked about?” Kevin’s voice echoed in the background.

“Oh. Yes, I remember!” She yelled back. “Kevin said that you might sound different or look different because you’re in the Icky.” 

Amy suppressed a laugh, and even Jake managed a smile. “It’s okay.” 

Jake was trying to say something, and the silence extended just too long before Amy took over. “Can you tell us what you’re doing with Kevin and Holt?”

Eliana took the phone into what Amy guessed was the living room, and sprawled on the floor. “I do coloring, and I play with Cheddar and Elsa-dog. I play piano, and sometimes I get to watch Elena or Doc McStuffins or Paw Patrol.” Eliana thought for another second. “And after dinner I get to watch Jep-Jep-” She sighed in frustration. “Jeparty.” 

“Jeopardy?” Amy supplied, still laughing.

After they got off of the phone, Jake looked at Amy. “Icky?”

Amy laughed again. “I called Eliana’s pediatrician and talked to Kevin and Holt, and we agreed that it’s probably better to be honest with her, as much as we can. That way we can address how she’s feeling without her just being scared of the unknown, or wondering where I am or where you are.”

“The Icky.” Jake chuckled softly, the first time she had heard him laugh since he woke up, Amy realized. “It’s funny.” 


	11. Like You've Gone Away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, sorry for the delayed update and the shorter chapter tonight. Life happened.  
> Stay safe and healthy out there!  
> -Win

“Hey, good news.” Amy kissed Jake’s forehead, and sat down beside him. “Dr. Chavez said that I can bring Eliana to visit you tomorrow, if you’re feeling up for it.” 

Jake shook his head. “No.” 

Amy looked confused. “No? You don’t want to see her?”

“No.” Jake looked away. “Too tired.”

“Okay, that’s okay. We can wait until you’re a little stronger, if you want to.” Jake didn’t respond. “Did you sleep well?”

“Yes.” Jake looked at the wall. 

“Are you in pain?” He shook his head. “Jake, I’m worried for you.” He didn’t reply. “Can I get you anything?”

“Just tired.” Jake closed his eyes. 

“Okay.” Amy pulled out her notebook. “I’ll be here.” Later, when the physical therapist arrived, she left the room. He hated her being in there for it anyway, she could tell. Instead, she sat in the waiting room, and after a moment’s hesitation, dialed her phone.

“Hey, Charles, it’s Amy. Do you think you could stop by this afternoon?” 

“Of course. I’ll come over on my lunch break. Is anything wrong with Jakey?”

“I don’t know.” Amy looked down the hall to the door of his room. How could she describe this? “I’m worried. I just think it would help. He told me that he slept fine, but the nurse told me that he hasn’t been sleeping well at all. He’s just not quite like himself. And I know that it’s different, because of the accident, but this is very different. He’s moody, and silent, and he doesn’t even want to see Eliana.”

“Oh. That sounds serious.”

“Exactly. I’m not crazy, right?” Amy laughed sarcastically. “Don’t answer that. I think it would mean a lot if he saw you, you know?”

“Of course, Amy. I’m sorry I haven’t been over more often. You know I would spend all day there if I could, but apparently this doesn’t qualify as a family emergency for me, and so I have to be at work.”

“I know, Charles, and don’t worry, Jake isn’t holding it against you.”

“Well, that’s a relief. Look, Amy, I have to go, but I’ll stop by as soon as I can, okay? Bye.”

* * *

_ “Amy, it’s Charles. I’m sure you’re with Ellie right now, but I wanted to tell you that I saw Jake. And you’re right, something is different. He didn’t even react when I told him about-”  _ Charles launched into an explanation of something Amy could barely understand. Judging from the amount of time left on the message, it lasted for a while. 

“Mommy?” Eliana was standing in the doorway, pajamas and all, clutching her new Elsa Barbie to her chest. “What’s wrong?” 

“Oh, sweetie, I’m sorry. I didn’t see you there.” Amy wiped her face quickly. 

“Are you crying because you miss daddy?” Eliana clambered up onto the bed beside her. “Sometimes when I’m going to sleep, or when I’m at Kevin’s house, I cry too.”   
“I’m sorry, Ellie. Yes, I’m crying because I miss daddy.”

“It’s okay.” Eliana snuggled against her. “Do you know what Kevin tells me?”

“What does Kevin tell you?”

“He says, it’s okay to cry, because life is scary right now. And when I’m ready, I can pick my chin up and we’ll have some ice cream.” Ellie sounded thoughtful. “I think I need to pick your chin up, so we can have ice cream.” She looked at Amy mischievously. “Right now.” 

Amy laughed through her tears, and looked at the clock. What would Jake do in this situation, she wondered. “That sounds like a good idea, Ellie. Let’s make ice cream sundaes.”

“Can I go see Daddy?” Eliana asked, once they were sitting at the table, ice cream in hand. 

Amy’s heart sank. “Not right now, honey. He’s still very sick, and it makes him very tired when people come and visit him.”

“I promise to be super super quiet.” Eliana held up two fingers pinched together. “I’ll just make this much noise.”

Amy forced a smile. “I know you would be super quiet. As soon as he feels better, we’ll go visit him, okay? But not right now.”

Eliana’s lip trembled. “But I miss him.”

“I know, sweetie.”

“Kevin says that Daddy misses me too, and it probably makes him cry too.” Eliana stared at the ice cream in her bowl. “Does he get to have ice cream in the Icky?”

“No, I don’t think there’s any ice cream in the Icky. But when he comes home, we’ll have a whole ice cream party for him, how about that?”

“And watch Frozen?” Eliana was wearing the smile she used when she was trying to push her luck.

“And we’ll watch Frozen.”

“And Frozen 2?” 

“And Frozen 2.” Amy laughed. “Eat up, ladybug, and then it’s bedtime.”

Alone, after Eliana had fallen asleep, Amy stared at her phone. The lockscreen of Jake and Eliana at the apple orchard stared back at her, mocking her with their smiles.


	12. Not Where I'm Meant to Be

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi friends! The chapter is slightly shorter tonight, but I promise I'll have a nice long update tomorrow. As always, I love reading your comments and reactions to what I write.  
> Stay safe and healthy!  
> -Win

“Hey.” Rosa raised her eyebrows. “No offense, you look like crap.”

“I’m fine.” Jake rolled his eyes. 

“What? I’m just bored, man.” Rosa grabbed the TV remote and started flipping through channels. “And I know you want a break from people asking you about feelings stuff, so I told Amy I’d come over. You really think I’m going to ask you about your feelings? It’s like you don’t even know me.”

Jake barely smiled. “Did Amy say-”

“Nope. I mean, she told me that you’re close to eating on your own. Congrats.”

“Thanks.” Jake looked away.  
“But we’re not talking about that.” Rosa stopped the TV on a police procedural. “Let’s laugh at everything they’re doing wrong, okay?”

“Okay.”

After two episodes, Rosa stood up. “Okay. I’m heading out. Call me if you need to. You know my number.”

“I don’t have a phone anymore. I don’t know where mine went.” Jake stared up at the ceiling, his voice breaking. “And I don’t _remember_ your number just like I can’t remember if I drove through that red light or not.” Rosa paused at the door, and turned around, walking back to sit beside Jake. Tears were dripping down from his eyes, running into the pillow. “I can’t remember if it’s my fault.”

“It’s not. You didn’t.” 

“Don’t lie to make me feel better.” Jake looked at her desperately. “Not you.” 

“A thousand pushups. You were hit by a distracted driver. He ran the red light, not you.”

“How do you know?” Jake was grabbing her wrist with his right hand. His physical therapist would have been proud, Rosa thought.

“Eliana told me. She said you were playing the green light game. You had to do it twice, English and Spanish.” Jake let out a sigh of relief. “Is that what’s been bothering you?”

Jake shrugged. “There’s a lot?”

“Yeah.” Rosa nodded. “You’ve been through a lot. I mean hell, it’s been what, 7 years? Since we got out? And I still have nightmares.”  
“Me too.” Jake whispered. 

“And this-there’s even more to process.” Rosa squeezed his hand back. “You’ll make it, Jake. You’ve gotten through so much shit, this is just the next thing. And it’s okay for you to ask for help.”

“Thank you.”

“Don’t mention it.” Rosa got up again. “And I swear Amy didn’t put me up to this. By the way, I noticed that you’re able to talk for a lot longer. That’s great, man. I’m proud of you.”

Jake shrugged. “I’m tired. Get out.”

“Alright, alright.” Rosa threw up her hands. “I’ll be back, if that’s okay.”

“Please.” As Rosa began to walk away, Jake spoke again. “Wait, actually. I need to talk to Amy.”  
“Okay.” Rosa pulled out her phone. 

“I can’t dial it.” Jake said, “But if you’ll just put it on my shoulder, or put it on speaker?.”  
“Yeah. Yeah.” Rosa set up the phone. “Do you want me outside? Or?”

“Whichever.” 

* * *

“Rosa?”

“Ames.” Jake’s right hand was shaking at his side.

“Jake.” Amy’s voice was immediately softer, less business-like. “What’s going on, baby? Are you okay?”

“Yeah, yeah. I’m okay. I-” Jake paused. “I miss Ellie.”

“She misses you too. We talked about it last night, actually.” Amy paused. “Are you saying you want to see her?”

“Yeah. Please.”  
“Of course, Jake. I’m already on my way to the hospital, but Kevin can bring her by later, I’m sure.” 

“Okay. Thank you.” 

“I’m glad you’re ready for that.” Even over the phone, Jake could tell that she was smiling.


	13. Say Goodbye to the Pain of the Past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promised a long update, so here you go. As always, I love hearing your thoughts and reactions.  
> Stay safe and healthy <3  
> -Win

Amy stepped into the room, hanging up the phone. “Kevin and Eliana will be here in just a few minutes.” She put her hand on Jake’s cheek. “You’re warm. Do you feel feverish?”

“No. I’m just-” Jake paused, searching for the word. “Scared.”

“Scared of what, Jake?” 

“Disappointing her.” 

Amy took Jake’s right hand gently in hers, smoothing out the fist he was making. “Jake, Ellie loves you more than just about anything. You aren’t going to disappoint her.”

“I can’t talk to her for long, or hold her. Read to her. Fix her hair” Jake squeezed Amy’s hand. “I can’t be her dad.”

“Jake, you being her dad has nothing to do with that. And she’s going to love you regardless. This is all temporary. You’re going to get better, and you’ll be able to do all of those things.”

“Maybe.” 

“Hey. We aren’t thinking like that. One day at a time, and we aren’t settling. Understood?” 

“Okay.”

Amy pressed the call button. “Here, we’ll have them make a space on the bed where Eliana can sit, if you want. And if she wants. She never sits still.”

“Just like me.”

“She has your eyes too.” Amy smiled at Jake. “I didn’t notice until-nevermind. But she does have your eyes.”

“Until the coma?” Jake's voice was quiet.

“Yeah. I’m sorry, you don’t need that.” Amy bent her head over her notebook, only to jolt back up when Jake’s finger’s touched her hair.

“Your hair.” Jake said, smiling. 

“Jake, you just moved your hand all the way over here.” Amy was blinking back tears. “That’s huge.”

“Ellie has your hair.” Jake smiled again.

“Well, my hair color, but her curls are yours, you know that. You moved your hand, your whole arm.”

“Somebody paged?” Jake’s nurse came in with a smile.

"Jake just moved his hand all the way here.” Amy said.

“Stop.” Jake rolled his eyes and looked away playfully.

“That’s great.” The nurse, Christi, laughed. “Congratulations!”

“But actually, I wanted to ask if we could help Jake sit up, and move over a little bit for when Ellie visits. So that she can sit on the bed? Is that allowed?” 

“Of course. Jake, does that sound good with you.”

Jake nodded, and Christi raised the bed further, allowing Amy to help prop him up with pillows and move him further to the left. “You should be getting the cast off your arm in the next couple days. Is your pain okay?” Jake nodded. “Better than last night?” Jake nodded again, avoiding Amy’s worried glance. “I want you to take it easy with Ellie, okay? If you get tired, she can always come back.”

“Okay.” 

Christi smiled at Amy. “Make him tell you if he’s in pain. It’s even written on his chart that he isn’t honest about how he’s feeling.” 

“Sounds like my husband.” Amy laughed. “Thank you, Christi.” 

As Christi rearranged the last pillows and helped adjust Jake’s left leg, Eliana and Kevin appeared in the door, Eliana holding tightly to Kevin’s hand.

“Daddy!” 

“Ladybug!” Jake’s eyes lit up for the first time in weeks. 

Eliana ran over to the bed, her backpack thumping. “Can I sit with you?”

Jake nodded, and Amy took off the backpack, then lifted Ellie up onto the white quilt beside him. She immediately leaned into his side, laying her head on his shoulder. “Hi.”

“Hi, honey.” Jake looked up and nodded. “Kevin.” 

“Jake.” Kevin gave a cordial nod, and sat down in the extra chair.

“Daddy, that’s my Professor Grandpa.” Eliana beamed and pointed at Kevin. “Or Kevin. But I like calling him Professor Grandpa.” 

Jake looked at Kevin, who was smiling and quick to explain. “I’ll tell her to stop, if that bothers you. You two are her parents, after all.”

“No.” Amy said quickly, after looking at Jake. “We love it, if you and Captain Holt are okay with it.”

“Yes. It’s great.” Jake added. 

“What do you call Captain Holt, Ellie?” Amy asked. 

“Captain Grandpa.” 

Jake laughed. “That’s awesome.”

“I want to show dad my pictures.” Eliana sat up. “From my coloring book.” 

“They’re in her backpack.” Kevin unzipped it, and pulled out a folder. “We’ve been collecting her best work. We have art shows, and even guest judges.”

“Guest judges?” Amy asked.

“I get to color during Professor Grandpa’s lec-lec” 

“Lectures,” Kevin supplied.

“And then they all pick a winner.”

“I’ve been having the students judge Eliana’s artwork according to classical standards. With grace, of course, but they get extra credit if they can explain to me a concept of Greek art that they see exhibited in her pictures.” 

“That’s awesome.” Jake repeated. That was one of the phrases in frequent use, Amy had noticed. 

“And some of my more artistically talented students have even created their own original works for her, based on mythology, and Taylor Swift, though I didn’t acknowledge that one in my gradebook. From a mathematical standpoint, of course, extra credit is illogical, but I must admit, it does bring heightened levity to the classroom.” Kevin had a different smile now, Amy had noticed, a pride that she had never quite noticed before. 

Eliana opened the folder, and was going through the pictures. Anna, Elsa, naturally, from coloring pages. There were others, the hand drawn ones signed by the Columbia students. And then a few drawings from a four-year old’s hand. There were stick figures, of a family, with Elsa-dog. 

“Can I keep this one, ladybug?” Jake pulled it from the folder with his left hand. 

“Uh-huh.” Eliana was scrunching up her face. “Did you know that Kevin can play Taylor Swift?”

“What?” Jake and Amy both looked at Kevin, who was biting back a smile.

“Well, it calms her down, and I found piano music, so we’ve been enjoying a little break from classical music. But she knows she can’t get away with that forever, so don’t worry, her music education will not be insufficient.” 

“That’s awesome.” Jake’s right hand shifted again, just enough so that he could scratch the base of Eliana’s back. “You’re awesome, ladybug.”

“You are too.” Eliana looked at him and grinned. “Your hair looks funny.”

“Ellie!” This time, it was Amy and Kevin speaking in unison. 

“It’s okay.” Jake forced a smile as Amy used child psychologist approved language to explain brain surgery to Eliana, but the mood in the room had faded. 

“She didn’t mean that, you know.” Amy told Jake when Kevin had taken Eliana home a few minutes later.

Jake was struggling for words again, she could tell. It was worse when he was tired, or upset. “I hoped she wouldn’t notice.” Amy waited a little while, to let him finish the thought. “Which was stupid.”

“It’s not stupid, Jake. I know you want to be tough for her, but she thinks you’re awesome already. I am so proud of you, Jake.” Amy used her thumb to wipe the tears from his cheeks. “You’ve been so brave.”

Jake managed a smile. “Like Anna?”

Amy laughed. “Exactly like Anna. God, when did we become a _Frozen_ family. Out of all the movie franchises, our daughter picked Frozen.” 

“She has good taste. That’s my side, too.” Jake’s attempt at a laugh turned into a barely concealed wince. “I’m tired.”

“I know.” Amy got up and pressed a kiss to his forehead. “I’ll ask Christi to come in here and help you get comfortable. Now, answer me honestly, are you in pain?” Jake paused, and nodded. “Okay. I’ll tell her.” 

When Jake had finally lapsed into sleep, Amy stopped at the nurses station on the way out. 

“Christi, earlier you asked Jake if his pain was better than last night? What happened last night?”

“Gloria put a note in his chart. He’s very restless at night, which isn’t uncommon with this type of injury, or stays in the ICU in general.”

“The Icky.” Amy muttered under her breath.

“Pardon me?”

“Sorry, we-we call it the Icky. Eliana forgets to say ICU, so we call it the Icky.” 

Christi laughed. “Oh, that’s great. She seems really sweet.”

“She can be a handful. Jake’s better with her than I am. She was premature, and there were complications with me, and I didn’t get to see her right away. He’s always been close with her, ever since then.”

“He really enjoys having her here, I can tell.” Christi reassured her. “She was in the car with him, wasn’t she?”

“Yeah.” Amy shook her head. “She was. Is that in his chart, or did he tell you?”

“He says her name when he’s...restless.” Christi gave a sympathetic smile. “Don’t worry, Ms. Santiago. He’s in good hands here.”

“I know. All of you have been so great, and so kind.” Amy reversed quickly from her spiral. “I don’t know how to thank you.”

“Keep bringing that adorable kiddo up here.” Christi was walking away. “She brightened all of our days.”

  
  



	14. We Get Along Just Fine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An Eliana heavy chapter because I didn't feel angsty tonight.   
> Stay safe and healthy out there!  
> -Win

“I can’t wait for Halloween.” Eliana bounced on the bed next to Jake. 

“Halloween?” Jake looked confused. “What day is it?”

“It’s October 30.” Ellie held up her fingers. “One days until Halloween. Why can’t you remember the days? Silly daddy.”   


ake ruffled Eliana’s hair with his left hand. “You’re right. Silly daddy.”

“Oh!” Eliana clapped her hand over her mouth. “I forgot.”   
“Forgot what, ladybug?” 

“Mommy said I wasn’t supposed to ask you questions to remember things.” Eliana bent over her coloring again. “She said it would make you sad.”

“Oh.” Jake glanced up at Kevin, who was studiously avoiding his eye and appeared absorbed in a book. “Well, I do get sad sometimes. But that’s not your fault.” He paused. “You can ask me questions. To remember things.” 

“Why are you sad?” Eliana lay back on the bed next to him. “Because of the accident?”

“Yeah. That makes me sad.” 

“Okay.” Eliana reached up and touched the scar on his head. “Does it hurt?”

“Hey, hey. Gentle.” Jake moved her hand back down. “It hurts, but I’m feeling better.” 

“Good. I don’t want you to be hurt.” Ellie’s lip was trembling. “It makes me sad. I want you to be home.”

“I know. I want to be home too.” Jake squeezed her hand. 

“I want to be a doctor.” Eliana said. “So I can make you feel better.” 

“Aww, honey. You make me feel better already.” Jake smiled, even though he was tearing up. 

“And like Dr. Mitchell. He helped me feel not scared.” 

“Were you scared, ladybug?” Jake’s voice was quiet. Kevin had stopped reading his book, and was watching them. “Do you remember it?”

“Not really.” Ellie stared up at the ceiling. “I have scary dreams about it.”

“Me too.” Jake squeezed her closer to him. “What do you do when you’re scared?”

“I hug Elsa-dog, and sometimes I go to your room to talk to Mommy.” 

“Those are good ideas. Talking to your mom makes me feel better too.” 

“She’s at work.” Eliana said matter of factly. 

“Right.” Jake looked at Kevin again, who quickly looked back down at his book. “What’s your Halloween costume?”

“Elsa.” Eliana looked at Jake. 

“Don’t try to trick me. Which Elsa costume?” 

“The one when she’s riding the horse.” 

“Oooh, I like that one.” Jake tickled her with her left hand and she giggled. “And that’s from Frozennnnn.”

“Two.” Eliana looked up at him. “Your favorite one.” 

“Oh, is that my favorite one? How do you know?” 

“Because it makes you cry.” Eliana laughed, and Jake gasped.

“It does not.”

“Yes it does.” Eliana threw back her head and laughed more. “It makes you cry all the time.” 

“Fine.” Jake heaved a dramatic sigh. “It makes me cry.” 

Eliana picked up his right hand from where it lay. “Your hand is shaking.”

“That happens.” Jake flexed his hand out, but his fingers continued to shake. 

“Why?” Eliana watched it.

“I-I don’t know.” Jake whispered.

“Is it going to go away?” Eliana put her hand on top of his. 

“I don’t know.” 

“That’s kind of scary.” Eliana whispered. 

“Yes. It’s a little scary.” Jake turned his hand over and squeezed hers in it. “But I’m working really hard to get better.”

“Okay. I wish you were going to be there for Halloween.” 

“Me too.” Jake looked up. “Kevin?”

“Yes?” Kevin looked up too quickly to have been reading his book. 

“Could you bring Ellie here? In her costume?”

“I think Amy’s going to take her trick-or-treating.” Kevin said. 

“I know, I mean before. She shouldn’t have to ruin the night coming here, they’d miss all the best houses. But can you bring her?”

“Of course. It’ll be a nice excursion after the Greek lecture.”

“Can I wear my costume to Greek lecture?” Eliana slid off the bed and ran over to Kevin. “Please please please?’

“The number of pleases does not improve the likelihood of me saying yes.” Kevin said, looking at Eliana with a laugh. 

“Are you sure?” Jake was chuckling from the bed. 

“Please please please!” Eliana was jumping up and down, and now they were all laughing.

“All right, you can wear your costume to Greek lecture.” Kevin gave a laughing sigh. 

“And if they bring me candy, they get extra credit.” Eliana blinked suggestively. 

“She’s your daughter, Jake.” Kevin put his book into his bag. “Nobody can deny that. Eliana, I’m afraid it’s time for us to leave.” 

“Oh.” Jake deflated visibly. 

“I believe Amy said she would come by after work, Jake.” Kevin reassured. “Is that okay?”

“Yeah, yeah.” Jake waved his left hand nonchalantly. “It’s cool cool cool cool cool.” 

“Aha.” Kevin looked at him closely. “Eliana, is your backpack packed?” 

“No, here.” Jake held out the coloring book with his right hand. It happened quickly-his hand shaking, the book dropping to the ground. Eliana squeaked. “Damn it.”

“Jake, are you all right?” Kevin stooped to pick up the coloring book.

“Yeah, I’m fine. I’ll see you tomorrow, ladybug, okay?” 

“In my Elsa costume!” 

“In your Elsa costume.” Jake’s smile lasted until she left the room.

  
  



	15. I Don't Know Anymore What Is True

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry that it's taken so long for me to update. I'm back again, though I can't promise daily updates. I usually post an update on my Tumblr (winnietherpooh) if I'm not writing a chapter, so feel free to check there if you haven't heard from me. I really appreciate all of your kind comments.  
> Please keep staying safe and healthy!  
> -Win <3

“Trick or treat!” Eliana’s smile lit up Jake’s room as she bounced through the door. “Trick or treat!” 

“Wow!” Jake grinned. “You look amazing.” 

“Trick or treat!” Eliana held out the plastic pumpkin head towards him. Jake dutifully reached for the handful of candy that Christi had brought for him earlier, and dropped it into the basket. 

“Who did you hair, ladybug?”

“Kelly!” 

“Scully’s wife?” Jake’s face drew a laugh from Kevin.

“No, Kelly from Greek lecture.” Eliana explained. “I got to trick or treat at Greek lecture.” 

“That’s awesome, ladybug. Did they get extra credit?” Jake looked at Kevin, who shrugged.

“It’s possible.” 

“That’s great. Can you tell me what you did today?” 

Eliana launched into a detailed explanation of her day, dancing up and down the limited space in the room while she gestured wildly with her arms to explain the game she had played with Cheddar, her pillow fort in the guest room at Grandpa’s, and something else. Her voice was fading in and out as Kevin asked him a question- something about a phone call that he needed to take. Eliana had given him something to hold-a lizard that was part of her costume. He couldn’t keep his grip on it, and it was falling on the floor and-

-

-

-

Eliana’s shriek brought Kevin back from the door of the room. “Something’s wrong with my dad!” He picked her up right away, turning her away from the sight of Jake seizing on the bed. Christi was in there a moment later, as Kevin hurried Eliana to the waiting room. 

It felt like hours, waiting for an update. Eliana had her head buried in his shoulder, shaking with what Kevin assumed were tears. 

“Is he going to die?” 

“No, no Eliana. It’s just another scary moment.” He remembered to text Amy after that, and then he and Ellie sat there, with Ellie playing Kwazy Cupcakes on his phone until Christi showed up in the waiting room.

“Jake’s asking to see Eliana.” She smiled. 

“Is that...wise?” Kevin made eye contact with her, asking with his eyes what Eliana shouldn’t hear.

“If it’s only for a minute. He’s tired, but I think it’s important that he sees her. I don’t think he’ll be able to sleep until he does.” 

* * *

Amy was curled up in the chair next to the bed, scrolling through her phone when Jake woke up. He was moving around a little, restless at first. She could hear his breathing grow more and more shallow, until he was almost crying in his sleep. She wasn’t sure if she was supposed to wake him up or not, and so she waited, listening to him breathe until he woke up on his own. “Jake?” 

“Ames?” He was tired, and confused, which made sense. She didn’t usually spend the night at the hospital with him. “Where’s Ellie?”

“I left her with Terry and Sharon. She went trick or treating with their girls.” 

“You’ve been here all night?” Jake

“As soon as I was able to leave work. Christi said that you had fallen asleep after-” Amy paused. “After the seizure, and I didn’t want you to wake up alone.”

“You are wonderful.” Jake squeezed her hand. “I’m sorry.”

“Sorry for what?” 

“I scared Ellie.” Jake was smacking the side of his thigh with his hand. “Stupid.”

“Jake, you know that’s not your fault.” Amy reached up and began stroking his hair gently, avoiding the patches from the surgery. “She didn’t see very much, and Kevin was right there with her. You couldn’t have avoided it. It was a seizure, Jake. You can’t control that.” 

“I’m scared to go home, Ames. And-and I know I’ll have to eventually, and I know that it might be a long way away since I can’t even stand, but it scares me. What if I can’t take care of her? Or be left alone with her? It’s not good that I had another seizure, right? That’s bad.”

“Well, it’s not good. But I’m not a neurosurgeon, Jake.”

“I want to do all the right things for her. Go on adventures with her. We’ll go to the beach, and play in the waves, and I’ll show her how to beat Wario.” 

“You can still do all that,” Amy reassured him. “This’ll all go away. It’ll just take a little time.”

“Amy, no.” Jake was getting agitated. “You can’t treat me like I don’t know, because I do. This is brain damage, and maybe years of recovery. I just had fucking seizure. That-that means I can’t drive. My hand doesn’t work, and I can’t even fucking feed myself.” 

“Jake, we don’t have to talk about this right now. You need to rest, you had a long day.” 

“And you have to stop babying me. I mean, I know I haven’t been aware, or able to make my own decisions, but you can’t just not tell me things, or tell me to rest and sleep all the time.”

“Jake, I haven’t been trying to baby you. I wanted to give you a chance to rest, and not to worry about the future.”

“I can’t disappear on her.” Jake covered his eyes with his left hand. “I can’t be like my dad. I can’t just give her a shell of a dad.”

“That’s not going to be you, Jake.”

“Are you even listening to me? This could be my job, my whole life. Our whole future. What about having another kid?”

"Jake, we can’t think about all that right now. And that’s not me ignoring you.” Amy pulled his hand away from his eyes, taking it her own, forcing him to look at her. “We will make it work. Whatever logistical problems we have to figure out, we will. Life might look different, maybe for a little while, maybe forever. Life is unpredictable, though. And you’re the right person for me to handle it all with.” 

Jake let out a laugh that was more of a sob. 

“Eliana is going to have a dad. You aren’t just going to be a shell. You’re going to do whatever you can to be the best dad ever. You want to know how I know that?”

“How?”

“Because even when you’ve just had a seizure, or been in a car accident, and you’re barely conscious, you always ask about her, right away. She’s the first thing you think about.”

“Second.” Jake’s whisper was barely audible. “The first thing is always you.” 


	16. Throw a Little Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello friends! I'm sorry for the delayed updates- I'm finishing up finals right now.  
> Stay safe and healthy, and tell somebody you love them today.   
> -Win <3

“Jake, what up!” 

“Gina?” Jake turned down the TV. “What are you doing here?” 

Gina collapsed into the chair next to him. “Amy said you got your feeding tube out last week. I brought you Sal’s, thought we could celebrate.” 

“Actually?” 

“You know it.” Gina opened the box. “And don’t worry, I checked and you’re allowed.”

“How did you know?” The smell filled the room immediately.

“That you would want pizza? Because nobody wants hospital food when you haven’t eaten in forever.” 

“I mean that I was here, and about the feeding tube. The pizza is surprisingly accurate, actually.” 

“Do you really think I just didn’t know about this?” Gina waved her phone. “I know everything. I got pepperoni, bee-tee-dubs. Or, more accurately, Monica got pepperoni. I can’t go inside restaurants anymore, I get mobbed.” 

“For real. How’d you know?”

“Amy called me. And I came as soon as I could, I swear. This isn’t me ignoring my friends again.” Gina’s tone switched to serious, at least for a moment. “And I know the first couple weeks you’d probably want some space anyways. Now I have the opportunity to be your pizza savior from on high.”

“Thanks.” 

“Left hand is the good one, right?” Gina maneuvered a slice of pizza onto a paper plate. “I won’t insult you by offering to help, but if you need it, ask.”

“You know?” Jake stared down at his hand. “Amy again?”

“Jake, come on. I wanted to know everything.”

“Awww, Gina. You actually care.”

“Don’t delude yourself, I need a sob story for my insta. Content’s drying up a bit.” Gina got up and moved the table over the bed, placing the plate on top of it. “This is all for the hits, my friend.”

“Oh my god this is good.” Jake let out a sigh after finishing the first bite of pizza. 

“Gina Linetti, amazing human slash genius strikes again.” Gina smiled. “I thought you’d appreciate it.” 

“How do you know all of this stuff? About the table, and wanting food, and space?” Jake looked at Gina, enjoying her own slice of pizza. 

“You aren’t the only person in the world who’s been in the hospital before, my friend.” Gina pushed her hair back from her forehead. “I still have a scar right there from my halo. A premonition, as it were, of my future celestial internet fame. It also hurt like a bitch.”

“I’m so sorry. I forgot.” Jake put down the pizza. “The bus. I’m a terrible friend.”

“Relax, Jakey. That was years ago. The point is, I still remember what it was like. I’m sure Amy’s done a ton of research and has a whole binder full of great plans to get you back on your feet, but sometimes you just need a damn pizza.” 

“They’re going to kill me if I drop this.” Jake’s piece of pizza flopped dangerously in his left hand. “Napkin?”   


Gina reached over and held a napkin under the slice. “Go for it.” 

“Thanks.”

“So, what else is new?” Gina sat back in the chair. 

“New seizure med!” Jake made a sarcastic jazz hand. “Physical therapy is exhausting. I can’t talk for a long time without messing up.”

“I didn’t mean that, though we can talk about that if you want. What are you watching, or listening to? How’s Eliana?”

“Couldn’t Amy have told you that?” 

“Look, Jake, I don’t know what’s given you the idea that Amy and I are those kinds of friends for me to ask her about Eliana. I wouldn’t ask Hitchcock about his kids.”

“Does Hitchcock have kids?” Jake squinted in confusion.

“I don’t know, which is the point. I want to know how your kid is doing.”

Jake shook his head. “This is too confusing. They told you I messed up my brain, right?”

“Right. I’m sorry. How’s Eliana? Are you getting to see her?” Gina put another slice of pizza on Jake’s plate.

“Yeah, every day or two. Kevin or Amy will bring her by, usually.”

“How much does she know about all of this?” She gestured around the room. “She’s four, right?”

“I mean, she knows that it happened, obviously. She knew that I was in a coma, and she was here when I had a seizure.” He shook his head. “I’m still angry at myself for that.”

“Cut yourself some slack, Jake. Kids bounce back from stuff like that, especially if she didn’t see much. And if that doesn’t happen, just give her a chance to talk about it. I mean maybe not now, when she’s a little older and it’s not all happening right this second.”

“Okay.” Jake’s right hand was tapping against the bedspread as he looked away.

“Jake, you’re going to bounce back too. I mean look at me, I got hit by a bus and nothing but good things have happened since.” 

“I mean, you had a crazed fan stab you in the shoulder.” Jake shrugged. “I guess that doesn’t count?”

“Shut up, dork.” Gina stood up. “Look, I have a meeting in Manhattan and I have to run. I’m going to be in town for a couple days, though, and I’ll come by again.”

“Sounds great, Gina.” Jake leaned into the pillows. “Thank you, for everything.”

“Like I said, this is all a publicity stunt.” Gina dug her phone out of her purse. “Which reminds me, Iggy wanted me to take a picture with you.”

“That’s not convincing.” Laughing, he covered his face with his hand. His right hand. They both stared for a moment. “And that’s new. I haven’t been able to move it that much.”

Gina bent down. “Celebration selfie! And I swear, this is actually for Iggy. She got so upset when she found out about your accident. I won’t post it anywhere.”

“You can. I don’t really care.” Jake grinned through his fingers as Gina snapped the selfie. “Would you mind sending that to Amy?”

“You got it. See you tomorrow.”   
  


* * *

_ Hey G-Hive: this is my friend Jake. Last month, he and his daughter were in a life-changing car accident. If there’s ever been a person to deserve good things from the universe, it’s Jake. He’s been my best friend since forever, and I know he and his family would appreciate any positive vibes, prayers, or thoughts you have. Love always, G _

  
  



	17. The Storm Rages On

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for your patience and continued love and support for this fic. In the months since I've updated, I've moved twice, broken up with my boyfriend, and finally rediscovered my creativity and love for this story. Thank you, again, for sticking with me.  
> Stay safe and healthy <3  
> -Win

Nights were the worst. They had agreed that it would be better for Eliana if Amy spent nights at the apartment. Well, Amy had reluctantly admitted that she thought it would be best, and so he had agreed and pushed her to do it. “You’re right. Ellie needs stability.” That’s what he had said that afternoon at 5pm, but it was much harder to believe it at 1am.

At first, it was just prison. He woke up in a cold sweat, gasping for breath as Romero knelt on his chest, the blade of a knife pressing into his scalp. The night nurse was at the door of the room.

“Jake? What’s wrong? Your blood pressure spiked.”

“Nightmare.” Jake touched his head, his hand shaking uncontrollably. The scar from his surgery was hurting. 

“Do you want me to call your-”

“No!” Jake sighed, closing his eyes. She would come in a heartbeat. He knew she would. “No. I can do this.”

* * *

“I haven’t seen Eliana in a while.” Christi was helping him back into the bed after physical therapy. “Is she still staying with her grandparents?”

Jake shrugged. “Not at night.”

“Is Amy coming by today?” Christi moved on from the topic of Ellie, sensing his unwillingness to discuss it.

“I don’t know.” Jake lay back on the pillows. “Can I sleep?”

“Sure. Worn out from today, huh?” 

“Yeah.” Jake stared at the wall until Christi had turned down the lights and walked away. If he timed it just right, he could doze without having time to dream. 

* * *

When Amy visited later that day, he could tell something was wrong. She was tapping her hand on her leg nervously, while she sat and talked to Dr. Chavez. Something was wrong and she wasn’t telling him. 

“Ames?” She stopped drawing swirls on the page and looked up. “What’s wrong?”

She smiled too brightly. “What? Nothing’s wrong. Dr. Chavez had great news today. He said you’re doing great, so there’s nothing to worry about. He doesn’t think we’re going to need that seizure medication after all, since you haven’t had any issues. That was probably just a one-off, he said.”

She didn’t think he could understand what the doctor had said. She was still tapping, her leg now not just her hand. Something was wrong and she wasn’t telling him.

“Did you have a good day?” Now her voice was too cheerful. She smiled again. “Watch anymore bad TV?”

“Ames, what’s wrong?” She didn’t trust him anymore. She couldn’t talk to him anymore. Jake felt a pit in his stomach, building into bile.

“Nothing to worry about, Jake. Just a tough day at work. You don’t need to worry about it.” Amy smiled again, and this time was even more fake than the last. She didn’t trust him anymore.

“Okay.” Jake bit his lip, willing himself not to break in front of her. “How’s Ellie?”

“She’s good. She misses you a lot, and Kevin offered to bring her by on Wednesday, since he doesn’t have a lecture. I’ll probably have to work late that day, so I don’t know if I can visit.”

“That’s totally fine.” Jake smiled. He wanted to reach for her hand, but it was so far away, and it was still tapping her leg incessantly, and his arm wouldn’t listen to him. He wanted to ask her if she was okay again, because her eyes were distant and her anxiety was flooding the room, but she didn’t want to tell him her problem. “Totally fine.”

* * *

That night, it was prison, and Amy was there, and he couldn’t keep Romero from hurting her. Tank was kneeling on his chest until he could barely breathe, and Romero was killing Amy in front of him, and he was only able to get loose when it was too late. He was holding her in his arms and begging her not to go, and then he was awake and vomiting all over himself and the bed.

“Do you want me to call Amy?” 

He had apologized a dozen times to the nurse, and his hands were still shaking. “No. Don’t worry her.” He tightened his right hand into a fist in his lap. “I can handle this.”

  
  



	18. Come, My Darling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your continued support! Life is still busy (moved again), but I'm hoping to finish this soon.  
> Stay safe and healthy <3  
> -Win

There were nights when it was easy to put Eliana to bed, and to sit at the kitchen table and research and go over her cases in her head, and to file the notes about Jake for the day under the right categories: brain injury, hand, leg, lungs, internal. There were plans, a timetable, and she could fall asleep and wake up to go to work without feeling the crushing weight of how their lives had changed. 

Tonight was not one of those nights.

It started with Eliana sobbing before bed, curled into a ball crying, “I miss Daddy,” over and over again. Amy rocked her in the chair until she finally fell asleep, with Elsa-dog whining at her feet. She was too exhausted to think about Jake, or the case at work, and she fell asleep too. 

_They were out on a walk, all three of them. She turned, and a car was racing towards them. She screamed, and Jake scooped up Eliana, shieling her with his own body as the car struck them. She ran over to them, rolling Jake over. Eliana was still, her face bloodied. Jake’s eyes were closed, and he was shaking, seizing like he had in the hospital._

She woke up with a start. Eliana was still sleeping peacefully in her lap, and Jake was safely in the care of the hospital. She sat there for hours, trying to calm her own panic with Eliana’s peaceful, steady breathing. 

Later that afternoon, when Amy turned the car into the parking garage, she actually had to sit for a minute to collect herself, hating herself for her hesitation to see Jake. Finally, she swallowed the bile in her mouth and went upstairs. 

Jake smiled at her when she stepped inside the door. There were flowers on the table beside his bed, and for the first time in weeks, he looked mischievous, playful- like Jake. 

“What’s going on?” She slowly dropped her purse to the ground. “What did you do?”

“Those are for you.” Jake nodded at the flowers. “And they’re going to bring dinner in a few minutes.”  
“Why?” Amy sat down beside the bed, rubbing her neck. 

“You take such good care of me, and Ellie. I wanted you to rest.” Jake smiled at her, and gestured at the TV. “Property Brothers.”

“You didn’t have to do this, Jake. And _how_ did you do it?”

“Rosa’s idea, and Gina helped. And the nurses.” 

“It’s great, Jake. Thank you.” Amy kissed him gently, and sat back down. 

“How was work?” Jake turned to look at her, hopeful.

“Great.” Amy looked down quickly. “Same old, you know.”

“Amy Santiago, don’t you dare lie to me.” Jake reached out his hand, without her looking up. “Are you going to make me go the whole way myself?” 

“Jake.” Amy’s eyes filled with tears as she met his hand with her own. “I’m okay.”  
“You’re not. I can’t-I can’t talk much.” He squeezed her hand as he paused, slowly reaching the right words. “But I can listen. And I can hold you. Come here.” He shifted in the bed, making space. “Come here, Amy.”

“I shouldn’t. It’s not-”

“Please.” Jake shifted more, and Amy reluctantly climbed up on the bed, twisting her hips sideways to fit on to the narrow space. Jake moved his arm around her, and she sighed involuntarily.

“It’s this case.” Putting her head against his chest felt the kind of _right_ that she hadn’t felt in ages.

“Tell me about it.” Jake stroked her back with a shaking hand. 

“There was a car accident, but it wasn’t an accident. It was a hit and run, against somebody that pissed off one of the Italians. I haven’t been able to sleep. I keep thinking about you, and Eliana, and what if somebody that I made angry went after you.” Amy sniffed, and Jake reached up with his left hand to brush her cheeks dry. “I’m afraid to leave her alone. I’m afraid that if I leave the hospital that you’ll die without me. I can barely drive without having a panic attack. And I miss you. At home, and at work. Home with Ellie is so much harder without you. 

“I’m sorry, Ames.” Jake ran his fingers through her hair, and blinked away his own tears. “I’ll be home soon, I promise. Just stay, and rest.” 

She fell asleep there, with Jake’s tremulous fingers caressing her back and head, while he stared up at the ceiling. Maybe it was Amy’s head on his chest, or him trying not to bother her, but it felt like it was getting harder to catch his breath. 

* * *

_It might as well have happened in slow motion. He was standing, holding onto the railing in the physical therapy clinic. And then his lungs closed._

_“That’s good, Jake. You’re doing great.” The physical therapist’s voice was distant through the rushing in his ears._

_He couldn’t catch a full breath. His right leg shook, and then buckled beneath him. He was falling towards the ground, his right arm wouldn’t help him, he stuck out his left arm for support, only to be met with instant, agonizing pain._

  
  



	19. Don't Leave Me Alone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize if this chapter is confusing. It's the first one that is truly from Jake's perspective, which is a little bit...addled at the moment. Thank you as always for sticking with me, and for your kind comments.  
> Stay safe and healthy!  
> xoxo  
> Win

After the slow motion of the fall, everything else happened quickly. There was nothing, and then there was pain and the aching exhaustion that he had begun to recognize was the aftermath of a seizure. He was back in his room, laying flat on his back with an oxygen mask over his face. He tried to lift his hand- his left hand, his good hand- to take it off, and a sound he barely recognized from his own mouth protested in pain. That wasn’t good. The right hand, then. 

Jake flexed his fingers, the first step to moving his arm, and nothing happened. His right arm lay there, immobile. He moved it again, and there was nothing. 

His chest started constricting again in panic. There was pain, and there was nothing- he couldn’t move, and he couldn’t even remember what had happened to bring him there. 

“Jake? Jake, can you hear me?” 

He looked up. Dr. Chavez was standing beside his bed. Jake nodded.

“Good. Can you tell me how you’re feeling?”

“Tired.” It hurt to talk, and Jake coughed. That hurt worse than talking. “Sore.”

“We’re going to need to talk about what happened this afternoon. If you’d prefer Amy to be here, we can call her.”   
Jake shook his head. God, the exhaustion and pain only got worse every time he moved. “Don’t. Please.” He drew in a breath that was harsh and painful. “She’s scared, and work is-” Another cough ripped his chest in half. “Work is bad.” 

“How long have you had that cough?” Dr. Chavez was pulling his chart out. “Are you sure? It isn’t going to be easy.”

“I’m sure.” Even the coughing wasn’t getting rid of the pressure in his chest. “Today? Last night?”

“Can you rate the pain for me?” 

“I-I don’t know.” Jake pressed his eyes closed against the stabbing light above him. “7.” 

“What about your hand?” How had Dr. Chavez gotten to the other side of the bed? He didn’t remember seeing that. Jake shook his head, and Dr. Chavez said something to the nurse about an ortho consult. “Can you squeeze my hand?” This doctor was a wizard, obviously. He was on his right side again. 

Jake could feel the doctor's hand in his own, and still he couldn’t move it. “I’m trying.”

Dr. Chavez didn’t say anything, and wrote something else down. “Are you sure that you don’t want us to call your wife?”

“No, please, we had a good night.” Panic was rising with the bile in his throat. “Don’t.”

“All right. I’m going to be straightforward with you, Jake. This is a major setback. We’re looking at extending your stay here for at least another week. I know we had discussed you going home soon, but quite frankly, I’d be aiming for you to be home by Christmas.”

“No, please, no.” Jake could feel his chest constricting again. “I didn’t mean to fall.” He paused to breathe again, “it was just an accident.”

“It’s not just a fall, Jake. You’re feverish, you’re having difficulty breathing, a persistent cough, and you lost consciousness.”

“I just need to go home. Please, just let me go home.” Jake blinked, and the doctor was Romero, pressing on his chest. “Stop, please, don’t hurt me, don’t hurt her.” He squeezed his eyes shut, and when he opened them, Dr. Chavez looked concerned, and Romero was gone, and nobody was touching him. 

“I want to go home.” There was too much going on, too many conflicting sensations: the aching in his head, the pain in his arm that still hadn’t faded, and his lungs refusal to let him breath. When had he started crying? “I want to go home, please.”   
“Jake, I need you to slow down. I know it’s hard, but you need to breathe.” The room was slowly filling with other people, not just Dr. Chavez and the nurse. “We’re going to take you for a scan of your lungs in a few minutes. Would you like us to call Amy so that she can be here when you get back? 

“No, don’t tell her.” He had to pause every other word to catch his breath again, and the lightheadedness of a panic attack was starting to cloud his eyes. He could feel his right hand shaking, and he couldn’t make it stop. “She’s scared already. I promised to come home. I just want to go home.” 

“Jake, breathe for me. You shouldn’t be alone right now.” That was the nurse, the nice one. He couldn’t remember her name anymore. 

“I am here.” That wasn’t the doctor, and it wasn’t Amy. Captain Holt stepped into the room. “I am sorry if I have interrupted. I believed that I had arrived within appropriate visiting hours.” If he wasn’t already crying, Jake could have burst into tears. 

Dr. Chavez said something to him, something that didn’t quite break through the haze of not being able to breathe. Captain Holt’s almost angry voice did. “I assure, you, doctor, that I belong here. I am his father.” 

Then Captain Holt was sitting next to him, taking his shaking right hand into a firm grasp. 

“Peralta, I need you to breathe. Focus, Peralta. Breathe with me.” He could follow orders. 

It took a few minutes, but finally he calmed down enough for the room to shift back into focus. 

“Jake?” It was his dad- it was Captain Holt, gently pushing the sweaty hair away from his forehead. “Are you with me, Jake?” 

Jake nodded, exhausted to his core. Holt turned and said something to the doctor, and then he was being propped up a little, and Holt had put a straw to his lips.

“Drink some water, Jake.”

As soon as his mouth stopped being dry, as soon as the words were able to pass, Jake spoke. “I’m sorry.”

“You have nothing to apologize for, son.” Holt smiled, gently, Jake thought. “They’re giving you a sedative, and then they’re going to take you to get a scan.”

“Will you be here?” The sedative must be working, since he could barely keep his eyes open.

“Yes, I’ll be here when you get back.” Holt squeezed his hand, and then he was drifting off into darkness.

  
  



	20. Beauty and There's Danger Here

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Angst-fest ahead. We're close to the end (of the real angsty shit anyways). Warning, this chapter includes some language.   
> Stay safe and healthy, and tell the people you love that you love them.  
> -Win

_ How do you tell your four year old her dad is dying? _

_ Should you tell a child that her dad is dying? _

_ Should you bring your four year old to the hospital to say goodbye? _

_ How young is too young to see your dying dad? _

_ How long should your child spend with her dying dad? _

* * *

Amy threw her phone into her purse, and buried her face in her hands. Jake was asleep, or his eyes were closed anyways, his face beading with sweat from the fever that hadn’t gone away since earlier that afternoon. She could still hear him breathing, a rasping, rattling sound that brought back the doctor’s words from earlier.

* * *

_ “If there’s anybody who wants to say goodbye, you should let them know.”  _

_ “How the fuck does this happen?” She was livid, anger the only reaction she could muster to the hole that was being ripped in her chest. “How the fuck does he go from talking to me, and planning a fucking date, to this? To you telling me that it’s time for people to say goodbye? Why didn’t you do your fucking job?” _

_ “Amy, I know this is upsetting. I’m upset. I don’t know why some of these things weren’t caught. There are signs that we should have recognized, but there are also things that Jake didn’t communicate, and we didn’t even know were issues.” _

_ “Are you blaming him for this?” She had never been closer to fighting a medical professional.  _

_ “No. I’m his doctor, and we should have pushed harder for him to be honest. He’s proud, Amy, and he was trying so hard to keep things together for you, and for Ellie.” Dr. Chavez picked up his chart. “I’m very sorry.” _

* * *

Holt was on his way back to the hospital with Kevin and Ellie. Amy pulled her hair back away from her face, and wiped her cheeks. They needed facts, and solutions, and a game plan. Jake had an infection in his lungs that was keeping him from breathing. They also suspected that the fall had torn or damaged some of the healing tissue in his abdomen, where the internal injuries had first been repaired. If he was bleeding, that would be a reason that his condition had deteriorated so quickly. When they got the results of the CT scan of his abdomen, it would be time for either another test, or surgery. 

* * *

_ “His body has been through a lot. We’re doing everything we can, but the infection is taking a toll on him. If he ends up needing surgery-” The unfinished sentence hung in the air like a curse. _

* * *

“Ms Santiago?” Dr. Chavez was back, interrupting her reverie. “We have the results of the CT.”

Amy opened to a new page of her notebook. “Okay.”

“The results are largely what we expected. The fall this morning caused further damage, and he’s bleeding fairly severely. We need to do surgery, and as soon as possible. This is emergent, and we’ve been able to have an operating room cleared so we can get him back right away.” 

“You said earlier that he might not survive surgery. You-you said that his body can’t handle it.” 

“That’s true. But he needs this surgery to have even a chance of coming through this.”

“Okay. Okay, so we do the surgery.” Amy reached over to the bed, and squeezed Jake’s hand. “And we give him a shot.” 

“Let’s get this rolling. We’re going to take him back, and get him prepped.” Dr. Chavez was paging somebody now, and the ache in Amy’s chest was unbearable.

“No, we have to wait. Ellie has to see him, just in case. She’s on her way, you told me earlier that this was the time.”   
“We are on a timeline, Ms. Santiago. The longer we wait-”   
“We’re waiting for her to get here.” Amy’s phone buzzed. Kevin. “She’s here right now. Just give us ten minutes, please.” 

“Okay.” Dr. Chavez stepped out of the room, and Amy followed him, meeting Kevin and Holt in the little waiting room at the end of the hall that had become too damn familiar.

“Eliana, come here.” Amy reached out her arms, and scooped her daughter up. “Eliana, we’re going to go in and see daddy, okay?” Eliana clearly was picking up on the nervous energy around them, and her lip was trembling. “And listen to me, sweetie. Daddy is very sick. He’s going to have a surgery, so we need to be very quiet, and very gentle.” Ellie nodded tremulously. “He’s been asleep today, and he might not be awake, but I want you to give him a big hug, and tell him how much you love him, okay?” 

“Can I tell him about being brave like Elsa and Anna?” Ellie whispered into Amy’s shoulder. 

“That would be a great thing to tell him, Ellie-bug. Even if he doesn’t talk to you, he’s still going to know.” Amy squeezed Eliana tightly. “This might be a little bit scary.”   
“It’s okay. I’m brave.”

“I know you are.” 

* * *

“Hi daddy.” Amy gently placed Eliana on the bed next to Jake. He hadn’t been awake, or talking at all, since before the first scan, hours before. Still, Ellie’s voice seemed to trigger something. She was lying next to him, her arms wrapped around his neck ( _ gently, Amy’s voice reminded her) _ , when his eyes fluttered open. 

“Hi ladybug.” 

“Hi daddy.” Ellie had taken quietly and gently to heart, Amy realized with pride. “Mommy said you’re sick.” 

“Yeah.” Jake’s breathing was growing raspier. 

“Mommy said you’re having surgery. Is that scary?” 

“Not too scary.” Jake’s eyes had closed again, and Amy saw the tears dripping down his face. Ellie had seen them too, and she reached her hand to gently brush them away. “It’s okay, Daddy. You can be brave, like Anna, remember?”

“Yeah.” Jake coughed once, twice, and then he couldn’t stop. 

Amy reached to lift Ellie away, but she clung to Jake’s neck. “I love you, Daddy.” 

“I love you, Ladybug.” The words made it out between coughs, and then the room was filled with nurses, and the staff to take him back for the surgery. Amy took Ellie, and then passed Ellie off to Terry, who had showed up at some point. 

“Fight for me, Jake, okay?” Amy leaned over him, kissing his cheek beside the oxygen mask they had placed over his face to steady his breathing. “Fight.” He nodded, almost imperceptibly, and then he was gone, back into the depths of the hospital. 

The waiting room was full. Ellie was sitting on Rosa’s lap, watching a video on her phone. Charles was running his fingers through his hair over and over again, staring at the floor. Terry was talking quietly with Kevin, while Holt was standing at the door, staring into nothingness. Even Gina was there, typing on her phone in a corner. 

“You’re all here.” Amy’s voice cracked without her intending it. 

“We aren’t going to let you and Jakey go through tonight alone.” Charles spoke up first, and the others murmured their agreement. 

Ellie reached for Amy, and they sat snuggled in a chair together until Ellie fell asleep. It didn’t matter how many of the suggested articles she was ignoring. Ellie was her piece of Jake, and she wasn’t going to let that go. 

* * *

_ Hi G-Hive. Remember my friend Jake? If you believe in any kind of deity, god, or force in the universe-would you please ask them to think about Jake? It means the world. -G _


	21. Time to Count Our Blessings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so let's pretend I posted this on 99 day, mmkay? I LOVED writing this chapter, so it's a long one. Dad!Jake is my favorite.  
> Stay safe and healthy!  
> -Win <3

It had been hours, and there wasn’t an update, and it was hard to think about the options. He had had bigger surgeries. They had carved into his brain, and his heart, and he had probably been in more danger, but for some reason this was different. This was a rug swept from under her, a deadly panic that she hadn’t felt since the first hours after she got the call. Even when he had been comatose, there had been hope. Faith in the medicine, and just a sense that he was  _ Jake _ , and he was going to be okay. That was gone. She was sitting here, with a pit in her chest and panic clogging her lungs, and Jake’s daughter asleep across the room in Grandpa Kevin’s lap, and no idea what was going to happen. 

What would it be like if Ellie grew up without a dad? They should have taken more pictures, she should have taken more videos of the two of them playing together. She should have had somebody take a picture of his face when he saw Ellie for the first time- the joy that spread across his face in one of the most  _ Jake _ smiles she’d ever seen. It was different than his normal smile, the one he had with Ellie. It wasn’t his show smile, the funny one that he gave the team. It was like a look into the deepest part of his heart. He had given Ellie a ghost of that smile just before surgery. What if she never got to see that smile again?

* * *

_ “Hi there. Hey Ellie.” Jake drew out the Ls in Ellie like they were a song. Amy shifted in the bed, just enough to get a better view. He was leaning over her crib, reaching in to stroke her cheek. “We have to be super duper quiet. We don’t want to wake up Mommy.”  _

_ Eliana was still crying, and Jake looked over at the bed. Amy shut her eyes, watching the scene through the cracks. “Come on, Ladybug.” He scooped Ellie out of the crib, and held her against his chest. He bounced her gently, patting her on the back. “Are you hungry, baby girl?” _

_ Amy felt tears springing to her eyes. “Let’s go get you a bottle, Ladybug. Mommy has a lot of important work tomorrow, and she needs to sleep. And you need to sleep too, don’t you? I bet that’ll be easier if you aren’t hungry.” Jake’s voice faded as he went into the kitchen. Amy heard the light flick on, and- was he singing? Ellie’s crying disappeared, and she must have fallen asleep before Jake came back in. _

* * *

Rosa wordlessly handed her a coffee, and Amy sipped it erratically while she paced up and down outside the waiting room. “They should have updated us.” 

“They’re busy. They’re taking care of him, Amy. We knew it was going to be a while, because they said that they’re dealing with a lot, right? So if they were out here earlier, then that would be because something bad happened, right? They’re working on him.” 

“Right.” Amy nodded. 

“What do you need?”

“I can’t do anything. I don’t know what to do.”

“That’s okay. Do you want to tell me what we’re dealing with?”

“I told you already.” Amy chugged back a sip of the coffee. “This is horrible.”

“But it helps you if you go over facts, not what could happen, right?” Rosa gestured to a chair in the hallway. “Tell me the facts.” 

“I don’t think he’s going to be a cop anymore, Rosa.” Amy sat down heavily, and then looked up. She could barely see Rosa through the tears building up in her eyes. “I don’t know if he’s going to be a cop again.”

“Because of this surgery?” Rosa frowned.

Amy opened her notebook to the page they hadn’t talked about before. “He’s had seizures several times a week since the accident. He had another one today, before he fell, or after he fell, I don’t remember. And I’ve been tracking the symptoms of the brain injury, and he still can’t walk, really. That’s why he fell, because the right side of his body can’t-” Amy gestured- “Can’t-doesn’t communicate with his brain. We thought it was getting better, but apparently not.”

“So what’s going to happen?” Holt spoke up. Amy hadn’t noticed his presence in the hall. “After this surgery, what are his next steps? Does Jake know yet?”

“I don’t know. We didn’t talk about it last night, because I don’t know how to have that conversation. How am I supposed to tell a guy who loves being a detective more than anything that he’s probably going to have to retire on disability before he’s 50?” Amy snapped the notebook shut. “I’m angry. I’m so fucking angry.”

“You know, there is something that Jake loves more than being a detective.” Rosa pulled out her phone. “He loves being a dad. Here, look at this.” She typed Ellie into the search bar of her texts, and showed Amy the results. “He sends me like 40,000 texts a week about the new thing she’s learned, or just a random selfie of them, or a video of her learning how to read. He never shuts up about her.”

“That is true.” Holt threw in. “It is almost as distracting to the work environment as your relationship.” 

Amy laughed, and brushed the tears from her cheek. “He would be so much better at this than me. He’s great with Ellie when she’s sick. Right after she was born, she had some breathing problems, remember?” Rosa and Holt nodded. “And there was a day or two, not long, when they had her in the NICU to help her lungs get back on track. I was so scared, because she was fine at first and then it all went to hell, and Jake was so good with it. He just held me, and as soon as they let him he went down to see her. They didn’t let me go, at first. And when she had a stomach bug last year, he sat up all night with her, and held her on the bathroom floor. He’s so good with her. He’s so good with situations like this, and I’m not. I’m all facts and outcomes and planning ahead, and right now I’m just scared.”

Holt and Rosa were exchanging looks, and all of a sudden Amy realized that she was talking to  _ Holt _ and  _ Rosa _ about her feelings. And then she realized that they weren’t looking at her at all. There was a doctor-a resident that she didn’t recognize, standing awkwardly in the hall.

“Mrs. Peralta?” A new resident. “I have an update on your husband.” 

* * *

_ “Daddy? Mommy?” Amy rolled over, ready to get out of bed, but Jake reached out and stopped her.  _

_ “I’ve got this. Rest up.” Jake was sitting up on the side of the bed. “Come here, Ladybug. What’s wrong?”  _

_ “I can’t sleep. My head hurts.”  _

_ “Come here. Let me kiss it.” Jake scooped her up into his arms, and Ellie gave a sleepy giggle. “Oooh, you’re toasty. How does your throat feel, honey?” _ _   
_ _ “It’s scratchy.”  _

_ “Ames, baby ibuprofen? She’s got a fever.”  _

_ “Bathroom. No, kitchen. New bottle. I’m getting up.”  _

_ “Ames, I’ve got this. Trust me.” Jake was standing now, with Ellie’s head resting on his shoulder.  _

_ “If she’s sick, I can’t sleep either.” Amy followed them to the kitchen.  _

_ Jake rubbed Eliana’s back. “It’s not a high fever, her throat hurts, and she’s a little clammy.”  _

_ Amy rubbed her eyes, and fought with the cap of the ibuprofen. “Damn safety lid. Jake?”  _

_ Jake shifted Ellie’s weight to his hip, and cracked open the cap.  _

_ “It’s yucky.” Eliana turned her face away from the cup. “I don’t want it.”  _ _   
_ _ “Hey, I know it’s yucky. Listen to me, ladybug, just drink it for me, and then we’ll get you some yummy juice to wash it down, okay? And then we can sit on the couch, and watch a movie until you fall asleep, okay?” Jake bounced Ellie a little. “Mommy, do you think you can get brave Princess Ladybug some juice?”  _

_ They were settled on the couch, Frozen, predictably, playing on the TV. Eliana was asleep almost immediately, wrapped in one of Jake’s sweatshirts. Amy leaned her head against the other side of his chest, her own eyes drifting shut. “You’re a good dad, Jake.”  _

_ Jake laughed, and gently ran his fingers through her hair. “My girls.”  _

* * *

“He’s a fighter, Amy.” Dr. Chavez looked as exhausted as she felt, but he was smiling. “We’re not out of the woods yet, but we were able to fix the damage that was causing the bleeding. We’re fighting the infection with antibiotics, and we’ve placed a tube to drain the fluid in his lungs that was causing his breathing issues. He’s doing well, Amy. Once he’s stronger, we’re going to readjust the seizure medications, and see if we can get that under control. We got imagery of his brain, and there aren’t any issues there, so he’s okay on that front. He should be coming off the sedation soon, and once we’ve run a few tests, we can bring you and Ellie in to see him.”

* * *

It was scary again. The tubes were back, and he was even more pale than the last time, but he was awake. His eyes were clearer than before the surgery, and when he saw Amy holding Ellie in the doorway, that same magical smile lit up his face. His voice was there, faint, but there. “My girls.”

  
  



	22. The Next Right Thing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, friends, after 7 months of telling y'all to stay safe and healthy, it appears that I have finally gotten the virus (from a roommate, so not because I was out licking doorknobs). This will probably mean that I finish up the story in the next few days, because I can't go to work (unless I get a negative test tomorrow, which seems unlikely).  
> For the rest of you: stay safe and healthy, as always.  
> <3 Win

“I had fun at school today.” Ellie was sitting in the chair next to Jake’s bed, coloring while they shared her iPad to rewatch Doc McStuffins. “We talked about talking.”   
“Oh yeah?” Jake smiled.

Eliana frowned at her picture. “I messed up. I wanted it perfect for Grandpa.”

“It’s okay.” Jake’s words took a second to arrive. “He won’t mind.”

Eliana shrugged, and threw the paper off the chair. “I’ll do another one.”

“What about school?” 

“Sometimes people can’t hear you when you talk, and so you use-” Ellie sucked in a dramatic breath, “American Sign Language.”   
Amy smiled, and shot a worried look at Jake. He had had a rough day according to the nurse, even though he was refusing to talk about it, or rest. “That’s exciting, Ellie-bug. What else did you learn?”

“People can use sign language to talk to each other if they can’t hear each other, but they don’t have to be deaf to use it. And sometimes we use things that aren’t sign language, but are like sign language.”   
“Oh yeah?” Jake smiled. “Like what?”

“Like saying yes-” Ellie nodded her head vigorously, “And no-” her hair spun out around her head. “Or waving hello.” 

“Those are good.” 

“Daddy, give me your hand.” Eliana reached for his right hand, and then pulled back. “Will it hurt you?”

Amy was about to say something, but Jake shook his head, and Amy closed her mouth. 

“See, if I squeeze your hand three times, it means I love you.” Eliana gently squeezed his hand three times, and then grinned expectantly at Jake.

“Thank you.” Jake swallowed hard to conceal the crack in his voice. She was waiting for him to do something, for him to squeeze her hand back. His right hand, his constant source of stress and uncertainty, stayed limp in hers. Amy was watching, he knew. She probably already knew about his day, about how tired he was and the absolute hell of physical therapy. Ellie was still waiting. It wasn’t about the therapy, or being tired, or Amy’s concern. Three squeezes, that was all. Three  _ movements _ would make him happy at this point. Jake tapped his fingers against the back of Eliana’s hand, once, twice, a third time. 

* * *

Jake was asleep when she got back from taking Ellie over to Holt and Kevin’s house. Amy tucked herself into the chair that Ellie had left behind, and pulled out Jake’s official medical binder to review her notes from when Dr. Chavez had updated them that morning. 

_ “I’m sorry that we had to keep you past Thanksgiving, but we’re going to have you home for Christmas, Jake. I actually think we’re looking at moving you out of here within a week or two. You would already be home if it wasn’t for that infection.” Jake didn’t respond, just rolled his eyes up to stare at the ceiling. “Home for Christmas.”  _

_ Dr. Chavez was just plain annoying at this point, and Jake couldn’t help mumbling, “I’m Jewish” under his breath. Amy swatted him gently. _

_ “What was that, Jake?”  _

_ “Nothing. That’s so good to hear.” Amy had her pen poised. “I do have some questions…” _

Jake was waking up again, and Amy put the binder away. “Pretty exciting news today, huh?” She propped her head up on her hand, and cocked her head at Jake. “We’re going home soon.” 

Jake’s face grew more pale. “I’m scared, Ames.” His breathing became more heavy, more labored, and she spared a glance at the heart rate monitor. Still okay. So it was anxiety, not lung function. “Scared to go home.”   
“Jake, you don’t need to be. It’s going to be fine, we’ll make it all work. I’ll take some days off to get everything settled, and we’ll have everything set up.”   
“It’s too much.” Jake shook his head. “What if something happens? Another infection?”

“Jake, you’re getting so much better. You’re holding steady, the seizure medication is working, and your physical therapist told me that you’re making great progress. You’re doing really well, Jake, and this is just the next step. We can do this.” 

“What if she needs something, or if there’s an emergency?” 

“We’re going to figure it out, Jake. I’m not just going to leave you alone there. I’m making a plan. Everybody is agreeing that you’re ready for this, and I think it’s going to make you feel so much better, and it’ll do wonders for your mental health.” 

“I can barely talk to her.” Jake wasn’t making eye contact with her again. 

“It’s not about words, Jake. She knows you love her. When you squeezed her hand after the sign language story? She talked about it all the way down to Kevin and Holt’s house.”

“Really?”

“I promise. We’re going to go home, and it’s going to be okay. We’ll have a schedule for therapy and we’ll be checking in with your doctors, and we’ll have somebody checking in on you. You don’t have to be alone until you’re ready, I promise.” Amy squeezed his hand three times. “We can do this.”

“Promise?” 

“I promise.”

“Okay.” Jake closed his fingers around hers. “Let’s go home.” 


	23. There's Beauty and There's Danger Here

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back and better (angstier?) than ever, friends. Thank you for your kind messages during my unexpectedly long absence. I'm tentatively hoping to have this fic finished up in the next few weeks, hopefully before its one year anniversary. And I'm sorry in advance for this chapter- it's different than other things I've written, but it was the only way I could get past the writers block I've been experiencing with this work.
> 
> Stay safe and healthy,  
> Win

It was strange for him to be back, to balance between helping him and giving him space to be independent in their home. Holt and Kevin kept Eliana for the first night, to give Jake a chance to settle back in and so that if anything went wrong, she wouldn’t be caught in the middle of it. The second night was like magic, the three of them finally together again. They ordered food in, and settled in on the couch for a movie night, Eliana cuddled between them with what appeared to be a permanent smile on her face. Amy had just finished putting Eliana to bed, finally soothing her with Elsa-dog and a promise that yes, Daddy would still be home when she got up in the morning, when Jake called her from their room.

“Jake? Do you need help?” Amy tapped on the door of their bathroom, and then pushed it open. Jake was standing at the counter, the walker that they had sent home with him next to him. His knuckles were white as he gripped the edge of the counter, holding himself up. “Is something wrong?” 

“No, I just- I didn’t notice before.”

Amy looked in the mirror with him, seeing what he meant for the first time. He had lost weight- a lot of weight. The scars from the surgeries and chest tube looked angry against his abnormally pale skin, fiery reminders of everything from the past few months. Beside her, Jake was shaking, from cold or exhaustion or something else, she couldn’t tell. 

“It’s just so much, Ames.” 

“I know. I know, Jake.” Amy wrapped her arms around him, supporting some of his weight. “Are you ready to go back to the bed?”

Jake nodded, exhausted. Together they crossed the space from the bathroom to their bed, and Jake dropped to sit on the edge. “We can do this, right? We didn’t make a mistake?”

“No.” Amy said immediately, pulling Jake’s pajama shirt from the drawer. “Everything is going to be fine. I took this whole week off from work so we can settle you back in, and then we’re going to have a great routine set up. There’s going to be somebody lined up to take you to physical therapy, and we’ll keep checking in with your doctors to make sure everything is on the right track, and it’s going to be great, Jake. I promise.”

Jake nodded. “I don’t want it to ruin her childhood.”  
“It won’t, Jake, I promise. In a few years, we’ll be looking back and we’ll barely be able to remember any of this, let alone Eliana. We’re all home now, and things are going to get better.”

* * *

_“Home isn’t supposed to be a place, right? It’s supposed to be a person.” Amy knotted her hands over and over in her lap. “And Jake is home for me, he’s been home for me for a decade, and I don’t want things to be different, but they are. If home is a person, what are you supposed to do when that person changes?”_

_The therapist was nodding along with her, taking down some notes. “Can you explain what you mean by that?”_ _  
_

* * *

“Jake? Jake, what’s wrong?” Amy reached for her glasses and turned on the light, her eyes adjusting to read the clock. 3:13 am.

“It hurts. Amy, it just hurts.” Jake’s eyes were squeezed closed, his lip fading to white where he was biting back a moan of pain. She had woken up to one of the cries that he hadn’t been able to keep back. 

“Can I get you anything? I don’t think I can give you any other of your meds, but I can take you to the hospital, maybe they can help. Or I can bring you a drink, or a heating pad, what do you need?”

Jake shook his head. “It won’t help. It’s like this every night, just worse tonight.” 

Amy stared at him for a second. “You never said.”

“I didn’t want you to worry.” Jake tilted his head back into the pillow. “Can’t hide it now.” 

Amy took his hand, and he squeezed it tightly. “I’m sorry I woke you up.” 

“I’d rather be awake with you than have you be alone right now, babe.” Amy used her other hand to stroke his hair away from his forehead. Her fingers came away sticky with sweat. “How long does it last, usually?”

Jake shook his head. “Depends. Until I can take more of the pain meds, usually.” 

“We could see if they can adjust them, so that there aren’t these lapses. I hate seeing you like this, Jake.”

“I’m sorry.” It came out more as a whisper than anything else. “I’m so sorry. For all of this.” 

* * *

_“He doesn’t want to talk to me. He was trying to hide things from me, just like before the infection. I don’t know when he started hiding things from me.” Amy’s therapist had an annoyingly calm listening face. “He isn’t talking to me. He’s not being honest with me.”_

_“Are you being honest with him? Was there any kind of argument you’ve had? I know moving him home was a big transition. Do you know how he’s processing that? Is he talking to anybody?”_

_“We had a fight, a big one. And I tried to get him to see a psychiatrist, or somebody that could help him process this stuff. That’s why I scheduled this appointment, and I wanted him to go too, and I told him that. There’s so much that he’s had happen, and clearly he needs help dealing with it and he just as clearly doesn’t want it from me.”_

_“So how did that conversation go?”_

* * *

Eliana was screaming in the bathroom, loud enough to be heard in every room. From their bed, Jake could hear Amy pleading with her to get in the tub. “Come on, Ladybug, please. It’s just a bath, and then you can get in bed with Elsa-dog.”  
“NO. I’m _not_ Ladybug, that’s _Daddy’s_ name. I don’t want you to call me Ladybug, and I don’t want a bath.” The sentence ended with an upward tilt that merged into a shriek. 

“Ellie, please, come on.” Amy’s voice was breaking, and he couldn’t stand it. Jake scooted himself to the edge of the bed, reaching for his crutches. “Ellie, honey, work with me here.” 

“I want to watch a movie with Daddy. I don’t _want_ a bath.”   
It was too far to go alone, he realized as he tried to stand. There wasn’t enough energy left from the day to make it to the bathroom without Amy’s help, and she didn’t need to be helping him, because clearly Eliana was taking enough of her energy without dealing with the invalid parent. 

When Amy finally came back to the bedroom, after negotiating a washcloth bath with Eliana and getting her to bed, Jake was waiting for her, propped back up on the pillows with an expression that mixed concern and sadness and something else that she couldn’t identify. Guilt, maybe? Whatever it was, she couldn’t see it, couldn’t try to process Eliana’s rejection of her with him looking like that. 

“What happened in there?” Jake’s jaw was trembling, but Amy chose not to see it. 

“She didn’t want a bath. You heard it, I’m assuming. Half the neighborhood probably heard it.” She knew her tone was bad, knew that he wasn’t accusing her of being a bad mom. Eliana hadn’t even meant that, it was just the confusion and stress of the past few weeks, with the readjustment of Jake being home and all the trauma that had happened since the accident. Even knowing that, rationalizing out in her head, didn’t make it hurt any less. And Jake, no matter how much he wanted to help, couldn’t know how much it was hurting her.

“I’m sorry.” Jake was following her with his eyes, trying to engage with her. 

“You don’t need to apologize, Jake, it’s not your fault.” Amy sighed, turning her back to him as she changed at the dresser. The exhaustion of the day stayed, even once she had gotten into more comfortable clothes. She sank onto the side of the bed, sighing again as she ran her hands through her hair and stretched out her neck. 

“How long has she been acting like that? Do we need to change the rules, or something? I don’t remember her having this much attitude before.” There it was, the tacit acknowledgement that he had been gone, that despite her best efforts for things to be normal, she had been raising Eliana alone and trying to manage with him in the hospital. Amy’s heart caught in her throat, and she shoved it back down. That was too much, too much for tonight for her, or for Jake at any point. “I’m not talking about this, Jake. She’s having a rough night, and we’re fine now. She’s asleep.”

“I heard her, Amy. I could have helped.” Why was he insisting on talking about this? Couldn’t he tell that 

“No, Jake, I handled it. End of story.” 

“I want to help, Amy. She’s my kid too, and I want to be involved. Why aren’t you letting me help with my own kid?” Amy turned around to look at him, because Jake’s voice was angry for the first time in months. 

“Maybe this isn’t about you, Jake. And it isn’t about parenting, or anything else like that. Do you really think that you swooping in to save the day would have helped when Eliana is clearly sick of me? Did you think that that would have fixed any of what was happening in there?” She knew she was hurting him. It felt eerily familiar of their last fight, the one the day before the accident. She could tell from his face that he was remembering it too, and yet she couldn’t stop herself. “Things are different, Jake. And if you’re having a problem dealing with the change, let’s have a conversation about that. Maybe you could even, god forbid, start seeing a therapist so that you aren’t taking all of this out on me, because that’s not fair. Not after all of this and everything I’ve been dealing with.” 

Jake looked taken aback, stunned for a moment. And then his jaw tightened, and the anger was back in his voice. “See a therapist? Why? So you can listen in on it again?”  
“Oh my god, Jake, this again? That was years ago, and that was for the heist. I apologized for that already, and besides, I wasn’t talking about that at all.” 

“Well, it’s not like you disclosed it the first time. Back then, it just sounded like you actually cared about what was going on with me, so why the hell should I believe you this time, when you’re clearly already holding things against me?” 

“I’m trying to help you, Jake. All I’ve been trying to do for the past three months is help you. Why can’t you just believe me?” 

The anger rushed away from Jake’s face, replaced with that same unidentifiable look from before the argument. There was a long silence. Finally, Jake spoke, stumbling over the first few words, like the early days after the brain surgery. “I-I don’t want-”

“Mommy?” Eliana’s plaintive voice sounded outside their door. “Daddy?”

“We woke her up.” A pit opened up in Amy’s stomach.

“I’ll go.” Jake moved to get up, even though they both knew it was just a gesture.

“I’ve got it.” Amy got up and opened the door, her reassurances to Eliana fading down the hall back to her bedroom.

When she came back, Jake had rolled over on his side, pretending to be asleep. 


End file.
